


Free to Fly

by B2017



Category: The Greatest Showman (2017)
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-04-08 09:31:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 30,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14102481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/B2017/pseuds/B2017
Summary: Modern AU. Phillip struggles to overcome his demons.





	1. Chapter 1

“Barnum!” WD yelled, causing Anne to look up. “What are you doing here?” He grinned as PT walked toward them. The older man had become something of a rarity around the circus since he’d handed over the reins to Phillip so he could spend more time with Charity and his girls so it was a bit of a surprise to see him making his way across the ring towards them. 

“Haven’t you heard?” Barnum laughed. “Carlyle’s got the night off- your stuck with me tonight I’m afraid!”

Anne’s brow furrowed. Phillip had been very quiet the day before, and maybe a little bit off, but she was sure he hadn’t mentioned anything about having a night off- in fact he’d barely said two words to anyone and then had disappeared the second the show ended. It seemed strange in a way that she couldn’t quite put her finger off. 

Barnum and her brother were deep in discussion about the show that night while she was lost in her thoughts, P.T. caught her eye as she looked up, still wearing a slight frown of confusion. 

“W.D.- do you mind if I steal your sister for a second?” Barnum asked, gesturing to Anne. 

“No, we’ve got everything ready. I was just going to go and see if Lettie needed anything.” He nodded, and with a quick squeeze of his sisters shoulder he disappeared off in search on the others. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on with Phillip?” Barnum asked, cutting to the chase the second W.D. was out of earshot. 

“Me? I was about to ask you the same thing!” Anne shot back. 

“You haven’t heard from him?” Barnum frowned. He’d assumed that at least Anne might have some idea what the hell was going on since he hadn’t been able to get any kind of explanation out of Phillip. 

Anne shook her head, pulling her phone out of her pocket to check. No messages or missed calls. “No, what’s going on?”

Barnum pulled a face, dragging his bottom lip between his teeth. “I don’t know. It just seems strange. He sent me a text saying he couldn’t make it tonight could I fill him for him at lunch time today and then I’ve been trying to call him ever since but his phone just goes straight to voicemail.”

“Did he say he say why he couldn’t be here?” Anne asked. 

Barnum shook his head. “No. You haven’t heard from him at all?”

“Not since the show ended last night.”

“He’s probably just not feeling well or whatever.” Barnum shrugged. “He’s been working non stop, it was bound to catch up with him sooner or later. We need to start getting ready, I’ll give him a call later and check on him.”

Anne opened her mouth for a moment as if she was going to speak, then closed it again. Barnum patted her on the shoulder then disappeared off to get ready for the ready for the show. She stared at her phone for a moment, willing him to call, then pushed the thought from her mind and disappeared through the curtain to go and get ready. Barnum was right, Phillip was probably just asleep anyway. She’d get through the show and then go and check he was okay, for her own peace of mind. 

_______________________

Her earlier worries were almost completely forgotten by the time the show was over, they stood in the centre of the ring and the applause and cheers reverberated around them. The elation of another show filled her, the feeling of freedom flying gave her washing over her and it wasn’t until she glanced to her right and spotted Barnum there in the red ringmasters coat instead of Phillip that her earlier worries came rushing back. 

The applause seemed to go on for an immeasurable amount of time. Usually she’d soak it up, the sign of a job well done, but that day she just wanted to get backstage and get changed so she could go and find out what was going on with Phillip. Eventually Barnum caught her eye and nodded and as they turned to go backstage she pushed her way to the front and ran to get changed. 

She was halfway out of the door into the bitterly cold New York winter night when she heard Barnum behind her. 

“Anne! Wait!” She knew he’d been running after her from the way he was slightly out of breath. She paused in the doorway and waited for him to catch up. “I’ll come with you.” His expression was grim and she wondered for a moment if maybe he knew something she didn’t. 

The crowds thinned out quickly as they quickly walked the few blocks between the circus and Phillips apartment. It turned out to be a good job Barnum had come with her- she’d only been to Phillips apartment a couple of times and in her hurry to get there she’d been about to go in the complete opposite direction. They made their way down the dark streets quickly and silently- the only sounds the crunching of snow under the their feet and the distant wail of sirens. 

She was so lost in thought, trying to think what on Earth could’ve happened to Phillip between him leaving the circus the precious night, that she walked straight into the back of Barnum when as he came to an abrupt stop in front of Phillips building. “I’m sure he’s fine.” Barnum said quietly as he opened the door, she wasn’t sure if he was trying to reassure her or himself. “He’ll just be asleep I expect.” The truth was though, although neither of them were saying it out loud, they both had the unsettling feeling something was wrong- after all that was what had led them to his apartment to check on him. They both just needed to see with their own eyes he was okay. Then maybe she’d be able to breathe again. 

___________________

“Phillip! Open the bloody door!” Barnum hammered against the wooden door trying to rouse some kind of response from the other side. Anne held her phone to her ear, trying to call him yet again. She could hear the phone ringing on the other side of the door but despite the countless calls she’d made she hadn’t had an answer. “Phillip you’ve got three seconds to open the door or I’ll break it down.” Anne caught sight of the neighbour sticking his head out of the door to see what all the fuss was about as Barnum took a step back and squared up to the door. 

Thankfully Barnum was spared from having to try and force his way through the rather solid looking wooden door, the gentle clicking of the lock signalling that it had been unlocked from the other side. 

A strange feeling of anxiety swept over her as she twisted the handle and pushed the door open. She felt like she was intruding, after all if he’d wanted either of them there surely he would’ve answered the phone or the door, but she also needed to see with her own eyes that he was at least sort of okay. 

It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the dim lighting inside the apartment as she stepped inside, vaguely aware of Barnum just behind her. As her eyes started to adjust she spotted Phillips legs just visible behind the sofa from where he was sitting on the floor. As she stepped towards him, dodging the empty beer bottles that littered the floor, Barnum turned on the lights earning a stream of expletives from Phillip as he moved his arm up to try and shield his eyes from the light, his beer still in hand. 

“For gods sake Phin, turn the bloody light off and leave me alone.” Phillip mumbled, his words running together. 

“How about you get up and tell us what the hell's going on.” Phin shot back, moving to stand beside Anne who crouched down to get a better look at Phillip. 

As she looked at him, Anne realised he was still wearing the same clothes he’d been in when he’d said goodbye to her the night before. The dark circles around his eyes suggested he hadn’t slept, his lip split and swollen. He drained the last of his beer and dropped the bottle noisily on the coffee table beside him. 

“Go home.” He sighed, looking between them both, wincing a little as the movement made his head spin. “Both of you.”

“We’re not going anywhere, we’re your friends and we’re worried about you.” Anne said gently. 

He looked down at the floor, not wanting to have to look either of them in the eye. “I’m fine. Fan-fucking-tastic in fact.” He laughed sarcastically. “As you can see, being mixed up with you two has been great for me so far… so maybe you could just leave me to it this time?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Barnum snapped. Anne slowly stood up. Clearly they weren’t going to be getting anywhere. 

“You!” Phillip sneered at him. “You just couldn’t leave it could you- had to convince me to leave everything I’d got and run off to join the bloody circus with you. What have I got to show for it?”

“Phillip.” There was a warning tone to Barnum’s voice as he towered over the younger man. “I think you’ve had more than enough.” He sighed as he watched his friend reach for another beer. 

“Oh give it a rest, I’m not at work you can’t keep ordering me around here.” 

“Phillip.” Anne frowned. She’d never heard him speak to Barnum like that, even when they’d disagreed about something at the circus. 

“Are you still here?” Phillip sighed unhappily rolling his eyes. 

“I came because I care.” She shot back. “But I can see that’s inconvenient for you, so I’ll go- but don’t go calling me to pick up the pieces of whatever the hell you’ve got yourself into here okay?” Her lip quivered as she fought to bite back tears- she didn’t want him to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much his words had hurt. She turned on her heel and bolted for the door

“Finally.” He laughed quietly to himself, looking around for another beer. 

“You need to sort yourself Carlyle.” Barnum said quietly, pausing on his way back to the door. “I don’t know what this is, but you know if you let me I’ll help you- we all will, but not while you’re like this. Whatever it is, just don’t let it ruin everything you’ve worked for.”

He waited in the doorway for a moment for an answer from Phillip that never came- eventually he gave up and headed out of the door in pursuit of Anne. 

There was no helping someone who didn’t want to be helped after all.


	2. Chapter 2

When he woke there were a couple of minutes between sleep and being fully conscious of where he was and his surroundings- and during those couple of blissful moments he forgot. All of the shit of the previous few days, the uncomfortable feeling of his back on the wooden floor of his apartment, the raging hangover… he’d even managed to forget, if only for a moment, why he’d been sitting on the floor drinking in the first place. 

He pushed himself up off the floor with a groan, his entire body protesting at having spent the night slouched on the floor against the couch. His head spun and pounded simultaneously as he got himself to his feet. As he looked down he realised he was still wearing the clothes he’d come home from the circus in two days ago… he probably should shower, but if he was being honest all he really wanted was another drink. Looking around at the amount of bottles littering his apartment he somehow doubted that there would actually be anything left that he could drink. 

He stumbled through to the bedroom, giving up on his plan of heading for the shower- instead flopping down face first into the bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up feeling quite so rough, the old version of himself was more than used to it… but now, well he’d thought he’d got his life together. He buried his head deeper into the pillows to try and block out the sun that was streaming in through his bedroom window. He could’ve got up and shut the blind, but the idea of getting up and moving again hurt his head more than the sunlight. 

He realised, as he pulled it over his head, that the pillow on the left side of his bed still felt faintly of Anne. God he missed her. The realisation that he’d done exactly what he’d promised her he wouldn’t do hit him even harder than his hangover. She’d been laying there, exactly where he was, when she’d asked him to promise her that if things got hard he wouldn’t push her away and start drinking again. And what had he done at the first sign of things getting a bit difficult? Maybe they were right after all, he didn’t deserve her. 

He wanted to tell her, he did, but the trouble was he hadn’t got a clue how he was supposed to do that. Growing up he’d been taught repeatedly that showing any kind of emotion was a sign of weakness and should be punished. Even though there was a rational part of him somewhere now that knew that almost everything his parents had told him was very wrong, and also that Anne loved him and genuinely wanted to help him, he couldn’t find a way to get the words out to tell her how he was feeling. Instead he’d settled for brushing her off and telling her everything was fine…. and that was how he’d ended up at the liquor store. Again. 

The sound of a key being turned in a lock somewhere registered vaguely in the back of his mind, from his position starfished face down on the bed. He’d obviously fallen asleep at some point, not that he had a clue when- but it was definitely dark outside. He squinted trying to make out the time on the alarm beside his bed- the combination of having just woken up and being hungover meaning it took his brain a lot longer than it should’ve done to process the fact it was nearly ten at night and he had in fact slept through the entire day.

“Oh good, you’re alive.” Barnum’s sarcastic comment from the doorway frightened the life out of him. He scrambled to turn himself over and sit up at the same time to work out why the hell Barnum was standing in his apartment. The sudden movement brought on a wave of nausea that made him squeeze his eyes shut tightly and focus solely on not throwing up. When he tentatively opened his eyes again a few seconds later Barnum was still stood in the doorway of his bedroom, leaning against the door frame and looking at him judgmentally.

“What are you doing in my apartment?” Phillip sighed. He’d ask the obvious question first, but he was almost certain he knew the answer. There was going to be a lecture coming from his business partner for certain.

“I stole your key when I was here last night. Thought it might be easier than trying to get you to answer the door if you decided to carrying on drinking yourself stupid. Looks like I was right too.” Barnum shrugged, gesturing to Phillip who was still lying there in the clothes he’d been wearing two days ago and looking like he might be sick any minute.

“You were in my apartment last night?” Phillip frowned at him.

“You don’t remember?” Barnum raised an eyebrow at him. Phillip flopped back against the pillows so he didn’t have to see the look of disappointment Barnum was giving him. “I can’t say I’m surprised. Anne was worried about you and I was a bit worried about what kind of state she mind find you in so I came with her.”

Phillip groaned, sitting up again. “Anne was here too?” His fuzzy brain was starting to recall some vague memories of someone being there last night. His stomach twisted, thinking what he might’ve said or done. “Oh god.”

“Yeah I’d say that pretty much sums it up.” Barnum smiled, but it didn’t touch his eyes. He took a step closer, arms folded across his chest. “Are you going to tell me what the hell is going on here then?”

Phillip bit his lip, thinking. “It’s fine.” He said slowly after a moment.

“Yeah, good one.” P.T. raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re too drunk to come to work and you expect me to believe everything’s fine? Come on Phillip, I care about you- so does Anne- and whatever it is that you’ve done or has happened, I’d really like to think you could just tell me rather than going back to drowning yourself in a bottle.”

Phillip opened his mouth as if he was going to speak, and then closed it again. His father had been right, he was absolutely pathetic. He’d given up everything he’d had for the circus- promised himself it was going to be a fresh start and a chance to actually do something half decent with his life- and then one visit from his father and he was back to doing what he did best. Drinking himself stupid and ruining everything for everyone.

“Well?” Barnum prompted. “You’d better start talking because I’m not going to keep lying to everyone and trying to cover your ass so you can lay around here and get drunk.”

“I-”

“You what?” Phineas took a breath to try and calm himself down. Maybe Charity had been right and he should’ve let her try and talk some sense into Phillip instead. She’d always been better at this stuff than him. “You thought you’d go back to the old Phillip Carlyle who just drank himself stupid every time things got even slightly difficult?”

“Just go.” Phillip said quietly. “I’ll be at work tomorrow, okay? We can just forget this happened.” There was a pleading edge to his voice as he looked hopefully at his partner.

Barnum hesitated for a moment. “Fine.” He nodded. “But you’d better be there, on time and sober. One chance Phillip.” He reached into his pocket and fished out the key he’d used to let himself in, placing it down on the bedside table before he turned to leave.


	3. Chapter 3

“He’ll be here.” Charity said firmly, sitting on the sofa in her husbands office watching as he paced nervously back and forth across the room. He hadn’t actually said it, but she knew from the way he kept glancing towards the entrance every few seconds he was worried Phillip wasn’t going to turn up. He’d been angry when he’d got home from going to talk to Phillip last night, but she’d known her husband long enough to see that behind the anger was just worry and concern for his friend, who had become something of an adopted son to both of them.

“What if he doesn’t show up?” Phineas asked, stopping midway across the room, his fingers going to twist into his already slightly dishevelled hair.

Charity held her hand out to him, pulling him in towards her. “He will.” She said firmly. “And if he doesn’t for some reason, I will go and talk to him and you’ll carry on with the show. Whatever it is Phin, he’s having a hard time with it, maybe he just needs some time and space.”

“I know.” Phineas sighed, flopping down beside her. “I just don’t want him to go back to that. He seemed so much happier. I thought he was over this.”

“He is.” She smiled at her husband, squeezing his hand. “He loves it here, but you and I both know things aren’t always that simple. This is his coping mechanism, he’s not just going to snap out of it all of a sudden.”

Phineas was about to answer her when the movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Sure enough there was Phillip, scurrying through the tent in the direction of his office. Despite the fact it was overcast outside he had his sunglasses on and the grey hoody he was wearing almost completely covered his face.

“Phin.” Charity caught his arm as he went to follow after his business partner. He turned to face his wife. “Let me go and talk to him, I know you mean well but I don’t think it’s going to help.”

“Fine.” He sighed. “Ten minutes though, and then I’m coming to talk to him.”

Charity smiled at her husband and then disappeared through the tent in pursuit of Phillip. She knew Phin meant well, but she knew from experience with the girls that he had a bit of a tendency to lose his cool when it came to these things and she was certain that the last thing Phillip needed was an argument.

She came to a stop outside his office, knocking on the door. “Charity? Is he here?” She turned around to find Anne stood behind her with W.D. They looked as though they’d just finished their rehearsal.

“I think so.” She nodded. “He did tell Phin he’d be back in today. I’m just going to see if he’s here and make sure he’s okay.”

Anne took half a step towards the door as though she was going to let herself into the office, then hesitated. “Will you… will you come and find me? Let me know he’s okay?” She asked quietly.

Charity nodded. “I will, promise. Why don’t you go and get some lunch and I’ll come and find you later?”

“Yeah, come on Anne.” W.D. put a hand on his sisters shoulder to steer her away from Phillip’s office. Charity turned back to Phillip’s door. Along with the fact her husband had opened a circus life had been complicated by the fact she seemed to have managed to become some kind of surrogate mother to half of the performers. She teased Phin about it all the time, but if she was honest she didn’t mind at all. Especially not with Anne and Phillip, she loved them both as if they were actually her own children.

“Phillip.” She knocked again, trying to do it quietly enough not to attract attention from all the other performers. “Phillip, it’s Charity. I’m coming in.” She turned the door handle, relieved when it opened that at least he hadn’t locked himself in.

He didn’t look up from where he sat at his desk when she walked in. He was hunched over his laptop, still wearing his sunglasses despite not having turned on the light in the dim room, his hood pulled up and covering most of his face. She could just about make out the deep v of his frown as he started intently at the screen. 

She stood there for a moment, watching him, but he still didn’t acknowledge her. “Phillip?” She said softly, stepping towards him and pushing the top of the laptop down so he wouldn’t have an excuse not to look at her.

“Charity?” He sighed. 

“Are you okay?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Fine.” He shrugged. It was a lie, they both knew it. But what was she expecting him to say- that he’d had another night where he hadn’t been able to sleep until he eventually passed out drunk? That the last three days had been one giant hangover and his stomach was churning like he was probably going to throw up again any second now? He wasn’t even sure why he’d turned up for work- probably the fear that Barnum might finally realise he was a useless waste of space and kick him out- then he really would have absolutely nothing left.

“We’re all worried about you, Phillip.” She told him softly, sitting down on the edge of his desk. He slowly pulled his sunglasses off and turned to look at her, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light and the throbbing in his head intensified slightly. “Phin was up half the night worrying about you, I’ve just seen Anne and she’s a mess. Even Caroline keeps asking why you haven’t been round to see her this week.”

“Well, no need to worry. See, here I am. Everything’s fine. I’m going to sort all these reports out and then see what else needs doing around here. You can tell Phineas he can stop stressing.” He tried to force a smile and failed.

She studied him closely for a minute. Now he’d removed his sunglasses she could see the dark circles around his eyes, he obviously hadn’t slept properly for a long time. The stubble on his jaw was bordering on becoming a full on beard. The thing that she noticed most though was that that sparkle in his eye, the one that reminded her so much of her husband, had gone. He wasn’t really there, he wasn’t their Phillip Carlyle- no, he was just a man going through the motions so that he wouldn’t get fired. She wondered if she should be relieved that he at least still cared enough to not want to be fired. That had to count for something, right?

“Well.” She said slowly, standing up. “I think we’ll be around all afternoon, if you need anything. And Phin wants to do the show tonight, if that’s okay? You know what he’s like, says he wants to take a step back but he misses it really, he’s like a kid in a sweetshop.”

“Okay.” Phillip nodded, opening the screen on his laptop up again and staring at it. “I’ll just get on with this then. Thanks Charity.”

She hesitated in the doorway for a moment, watching him as he tapped something into the computer, frowning. He didn’t acknowledge her and she knew as far as he was concerned the conversation was over. She stepped out of the office and closed the door behind her. She spotted Phineas making a beeline for her as she stood there working out what to do next.

“Well?” He looked at her expectantly. “See, I didn’t think the soft approach would work either.” He shook his head and reached for the door handle.

“Phin, no.” She grabbed hold of him and pulled him back. “He just needs some time-okay? He’s in there working, he’s at least trying. I told him you’ll do the show tonight, just give him a couple of days to get back into the swing of things. He’ll talk when he’s ready.”

Phineas hesitated for a moment, looking unsure. “Is he drunk?” He sighed.

Charity shook her head. “No, hungover I think, but sober.”

“Okay.” Phineas nodded. “Come on, let’s go get some lunch and see how rehearsals went.” Charity slipped her hand into his, giving it a squeeze, and walked with him to where the crew and all the performers were sitting having lunch.

______________

Phillip slumped back in his desk chair the second Charity shut the door behind her. The relief that Barnum was planning to stick around to do the show that night was immense. He didn’t think he physically had it in him to paint a smile on his face and put on a show. He was a good showman, but in his current state there was no chance. He wanted a drink like he needed air to breathe. Whiskey- that was what he really wanted, he could almost imagine the burn in his throat and feel it dulling his overactive mind. That was the problem, the drink was the only thing that would quiet his mind enough to allow him a few minutes peace these days. Maybe he was finally losing his mind after all.

He glanced back down at the spreadsheet that was open on his laptop. The screen still seemed far too bright even though he’d turned it down as low as it could go and the numbers all seemed to blur into one. He wasn’t going to achieve anything, he knew that and he was almost certain Barnum knew the chances of him doing anything that was actually productive were non-existent. But he was there, pretending everything was fine and going through the motions, hoping that maybe if he tried hard enough to pretend it might actually become reality.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to find some focus to at least finish what he’d started. Everytime he looked at the screen though all he could see was his father, standing in the doorway of his apartment sneering at him. ‘Everything you touch turns to shit eventually Phillip. You should know that by now. I just feel bad that you’re going to drag them all down with you this time, and it’s not even like you ever belonged with them in the first place.’ They’d been his father’s final words to him as he’d turned to leave, and they’d stung too- just as his father had hoped they would.

____________

“Charity?” Anne said hopefully, sitting down beside her as she finished her lunch. “How is he?”

Charity smiled kindly. “He doesn’t want to talk about it Anne, whatever it is. He’s sitting in his office burying himself in work, but I suppose that’s better than drowning himself in whiskey at least?” She kicked her husband under the table as he pulled a face.

“I.. I’ve never seen him like this.” Anne said quietly. “I mean I know I haven’t known him that long, none of us have really, but this…”

“I know.” Charity reached out and squeezed Anne’s arm.

“He promised.” Anne choked out, her eyes filling with tears. “He promised me that if things got difficult he wouldn’t start drinking again.”

“I know.” Charity agreed softly. “But whatever happened, he’s hurting Anne and I honestly don’t think he knows how to deal with it any way other than to drink and bury his head in the sand.”

“What am I supposed to do? Just sit around and watch him destroy himself?” Anne asked. “I can’t.”

Charity shook her head. “You need to be there for him Anne, I know he’s not exactly making it easy but it’s all you can do. He’s in his office now if you want to try and talk to him.”

Anne shifted nervously then stood up from the table. “Okay.”

“You know.” Phin said quietly, putting an arm around his wife as they watched Anne walk away. “You’re really quite good at this.”

“I know.” Charity smiled, stretching up to kiss him.

__________  
She got to the door of his office quickly, far too quickly meaning she hadn’t even worked out what she was going to say to him. She stood there awkwardly for a moment, her hand half raised trying to work out if she should knock or just walk in. Eventually, she plucked up the courage to open the door and walk in deciding if she didn’t knock he wouldn’t get the chance to try and get rid of her.

She swung open the door and looked around the empty office in confusion. He couldn’t have left, she would’ve seen him go, she’d been sat by the exit all through lunch. His coat was still slung across the back of the sofa and the screen on his laptop lit up. He was in there somewhere. 

“Phillip?” She called softly, stepping further inside, looking around. It was a tiny office, there wasn’t really anywhere to hide…. So why couldn’t she find him?

“Anne?” The small voice from behind her made her turn round, and there he was- almost completely under the desk, his knees hugged into his chest.

“Hey.” She dropped to her knees on the floor in front of him. “What’s wrong?” He looked up at her, his face red and blotchy from crying, and it broke her heart in two. She wanted to be able to fix it for him, and he wouldn’t even tell her what it was.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I’m so so sorry Anne.”

“Phillip?” She put her hands on either side of his face and turned him to look at her. “I don’t understand- what are you apologising for?”

“I’m a mess Anne.” He moved his hand up to hold one of hers against his cheek. “I’m a drunk and a mess and I ruin everything I touch. You’ll be so much better off without me. Everyone will.”

“Phillip what are you talking about?” Her mind struggled to catch up and work out what on Earth he was talking about. 

“I can’t do this anymore Anne, I’ve just been kidding myself and it’s not fair on everyone else- especially you.” His voice was a whisper, so quiet she could barely hear him. 

“Phillip stop, you’re being ridiculous!” Anne argued. “I don’t know what happened, but it’s obvious it’s upset you. You don’t need to make any stupid decisions now that you’ll regret later!”

“I can’t Anne.” He whispered. “I can’t keep doing this.” He was up on his feet so quickly it took her a moment to catch up. He walked around his desk, pausing for a second to run his fingers over the brim of his top hat. 

“Phillip?” She prompted when he didn’t move or say anything. 

His head snapped up and he looked at her for a long moment, she could see the conflict in his eyes. “Tell Barnum I’m sorry.” He said quickly, then he spun on his heel and disappeared, all she could do was stand there and watch as he bolted for the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Barnum stood outside the bar, looking in through the window. Phillip was there, exactly where he’d known he would be, even though he was really really hoping he wouldn’t be. Judging by the difficulty he seemed to be having staying upright on the bar stool he’d had more than a skinful. He carried on watching, trying to decide what to do, as Phillip waved the bartender over and ordered himself another drink which he drained almost as quickly as it had been set in front of him. 

Part of him wanted to just leave Phillip too it, he’d made his decision apparently and if he would rather drink himself into oblivion than let someone in then who was he to try and stop him? But even as the thought crossed his mind he couldn’t get his feet to move to step away from the bar- no, there was no way he was going to leave him there. Besides, he’d promised Anne. 

He’d been hopeful, as had Charity, at lunch time when Anne had gone to talk to Phillip. The relationship that had slowly formed between the two of them had been going from strength to strength. He’d genuinely thought if anyone was going to get through to Phillip it would be Anne. Then when he’d walked past Phillip’s office and seen Anne sitting there alone, clutching Phillip’s top hat and he’d seen the look of defeat on her face he realised things were even worse than he’d thought. 

Anne, to her credit, had picked herself up off the office floor with some encouragement from Charity and soldiered on through her performance as if nothing had happened. It was only afterwards when she’d walked off the stage and into Charity’s arms that she’d allowed herself to fall apart. Phineas had stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to do, until Charity had gently suggested that perhaps he ought to go and find Phillip before he had the chance to do himself too much damage. 

He’d been unsure where to start. He’d been going to head for Phillip’s apartment, but on the way there he’d passed the street and seen the sign of the bar he’d first met Phillip in. It was a dark and dingy place that only ever seemed to have the same five people in it- Phillip included. Maybe in hindsight finding himself a new business partner in a bar hadn’t been the wisest move. Sitting at the bar was the old Phillip Carlyle, the one who’d drowned himself in copious amounts of whiskey to avoid having to feel anything, not the friend and business partner he’d grown so fond of. 

It was quiet in the bar as he stepped inside, the rush of warm air hit his face and sent a shiver down his spine. The bartender met his eye as he cautiously approached Phillip, giving him a look that suggested he thought Phillip had had more than enough to drink for the night. Barnum nodded in agreement. 

“Phillip.” He greeted his friend as he slid on to the bar stool next to him.

“Barnum.” Philip slurred, spinning on the stool to face him and then grabbing hold of the bar as he nearly lost his balance. “Lemme get ya a drink!” Phillip started waving frantically at the bartender who stoically ignored him to avoid having to refuse to serve him. 

“I think you’ve had enough for both of us.” Barnum answered dryly. 

“C’mon…. live a little!” Phillip argued. He leant forward, reaching over the bar to try and grab a bottle that was on the other side. P.T. had to grab the back of his jumper to catch him as he wobbled precariously on the stool. 

“How about you come back to mine and we’ll have a drink there?” P.T. suggested, not because he’d got any desire to have a drink with Phillip, but because it was probably the only way he was going to convince him to come with him without a fight. 

“‘Kay.” Phillip slid off the stool rather inelegantly, having three attempts at putting his coat on before P.T. eventually had to give in and help him into it. He would’ve been more than a little surprised if Phillip was still capable of feeling the cold after the skinful he’d had anyway. 

It shouldn’t have taken them that long to walk from the bar back to his house, but it was complicated by Phillip’s complete inability to stay upright or walk in a straight line. He’d fallen over twice when P.T. hadn’t been quite quick enough to catch him as he’d wobbled. Getting him up off the pavement once he’d fallen over had proven even more challenging than keeping him upright in the first place. 

The front door swung open as they reached the bottom step and he was more than a little bit relieved to see Charity rushing out to help. Phillip had become a dead weight as he leant against him and he was trying to work out how he was actually going to get him up the steps without hurting him. 

“Here, i'll get his legs.” She suggested quietly, as though this was a completely normal situation they encountered on a regular basis. 

“Charity!” Phillip grinned. “What are you doing here?”

“I live here Phillip.” Charity laughed quietly, but she didn’t smile. “I think I should be asking you that.” She glances at her husband who mouthed an apology at her over Phillip’s head. 

“I couldn’t just leave him there, god knows where he would’ve ended up.” Phineas whispered. He didn’t know why he was bothering, there was no way Phillip was going to remember anything the next day anyway. He was almost asleep as they hauled him up the last couple of steps and deposited him back on his feet at the front door. He grabbed one arm and Charity grabbed the other to keep him from going over backwards and falling down the steps. 

“I know.” She smiled. “It’s okay, really. I wouldn’t have wanted you to leave him in this state. We just need to get him in without waking the girls.” The last thing either of them wanted to do was to have to try and explain what was wrong with their Uncle Phillip. 

They both grimaced as Phillip smacked his head on the door frame as they struggled to get him inside. He didn’t even flinch and in the end they managed to deposit him on the couch without further injury. 

“What are we going to do with him?” Charity asked, glancing over her shoulder at Phillip who was snoring softly on the couch. She turned back to her husband who reached his arms out and pulled her into him. 

“Let him sober up.” He suggested. 

“And then what?” She asked. “He’s going to destroy himself if he carries on like this Phin and I can’t sit here and watch it.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say”. He sighed. “I’ve tried, you tried, so has Anne. If he doesn’t want to talk then what are we supposed to do?”

“I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want to.” Her words were muffled against her husband’s chest. “He doesn’t know how. I don’t know a lot about his parents, but I’d put money on the fact this is the only way he knows how to deal with whatever it is he’s feeling.”

“We’re not going to solve anything tonight.” He said softly, squeezing her a little bit tighter. He knew that look on her face, she was thinking about her parents again. “He can stay here tonight and I’ll talk to him again in the morning when he’s at least mostly sober. We both can.”

“Okay.” Charity nodded, gently disentangling herself from her husbands arms. She walked back over to the sofa, gently pulling Phillip round so he was lying on his side, pulling his shoes off , propping his head up with a pillow and then covering him with the blanket that was slung across the back of the sofa. “Will you check the door is locked? Don’t want him doing a disappearing act on us in the morning before you get the chance.”

Her husband nodded and disappeared, she heard the noise of the bolts on the door clicking firmly into place. “Come on then.” He was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs, holding a hand out that she gratefully took. “We’d better at least try and get some sleep.” 

Somehow, he doubted that either of them would be getting any kind of peaceful sleep. 

____________

Charity had come home from dropping the girls of at school and was surprised to see her husband sitting exactly where she’d left him, staring at the sleeping form of Phillip Carlyle who was still snoring away on their sofa. 

“Hey.” Phineas greeted her with a weary smile, holding out a hand towards her and pulling her into him. “Did the girls get to school okay?”

She perched on his lap, resting her head against his shoulder. “Yeah.” She sighed. “They’d got a lot of questions about why Uncle Phillip was asleep on the sofa though.”

“I think we all have.” He answered dryly. “Do you think maybe we ought to wake him up?”

Charity raised an eyebrow. “Do you really want to poke the bear?”

Phineas laughed. A bear with a sore head was probably the most accurate description for the state Phillip Carlyle was going to be in when he woke up. “No, but I also can’t spend all day sitting here watching him either.”

Charity kissed him gently, lingering for a moment before crossing the room and kneeling beside Phillip. “Phillip, it’s time to get up.” She put a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t stir at all, so she shook a bit harder. “Phillip, wake up!”

His eyes flew open, looking at Charity with a mixture of surprise and confusion. “Charity?” He mumbled.

She patted him on the shoulder. “Up you get Phillip. I’ll go and make some coffee.” He groaned and she could see it in his face that coffee wasn’t the kind of drink he wanted. 

 

“What?” Phillip groaned, trying to get his bearings as he struggled to sit up. His head pounded and spun as he pushed himself into a sitting position. “What am I doing here?”

Barnum fought to keep himself from rolling his eyes. “You obviously don’t remember the part where I had to carry you home from the bar. I didn’t think you would.”

Charity came back through the door with three steaming mugs of coffee. Handing one to Phillip she then sat down next to her husband and handed him his. Phillip sniffed his mug, pulling a face. “Any chance of a whiskey instead?” He muttered. 

“Absolutely none.” Charity shook her head. “How’s your head? You smacked it pretty hard last night.”

Phillip’s hand moved automatically to the back of his head where a lump was forming. He hadn’t even noticed how sore it was, he’d been distracted by the pounding headache he’d woken up with once again. “Sorry.” He mumbled. “You should’ve just left me there.”

“I don’t know how many times I need to say it Phillip.” Charity sighed. “We care about you, none of us would’ve slept not knowing if you’d made it home in one piece.”

“I would’ve been fine.” He sighed. It probably wasn’t a good idea to mention the amount of times he’d somehow found his way home while blind drunk. “I am fine.”

“You’re full of shit and you know it.” Barnum snorted, sipping at his coffee. 

Charity glared at her husband. “I think what Phin is trying to say is you’re clearly not okay Phillip and whatever it is we want to help.”

“So what is this- some kind of intervention?” Phillip sipped at his coffee and fidgeted uncomfortably under the weight of his friends gaze. “What’s next, you’re going to tell me I’m not allowed to leave?”

“It’s not an intervention, it’s two people who care about you telling you that we want to help you.” Charity said softly. “I did think though that maybe you might like to stay here for a bit until you get yourself sorted.”

“What are you going to do if I say no?” Phillip shot back. He drained the last of his coffee, the burning hot liquid scalding his throat as he forced it down, he set the mug down on the table in front of him noisily. 

“Phillip we’re doing this because we care.” Charity soothed, he didn’t miss the way she was talking to him like a caged animal. 

He needed a drink. More than one actually, the coffee had done nothing to quench his thirst. He wanted to drink until he couldn’t think straight anymore, until his mind finally went quiet and allowed him a rare few minutes peace from the thoughts terrorised him every conscious second. Now he was what, trapped at the Barnum’s like some kind of prisoner because they thought he’d got some kind of drinking problem?

“Phillip, sit down. You’re going to wear a hole in the floor.” Barnum sighed. 

Phillip looked at him in confusion. He didn’t even know he’d got up off the sofa, he could’ve sworn he was still sitting there. Barnum was right though, somewhere along the line he’d got up and started pacing back and forth across the room like a caged animal. He forced himself to sit back down opposite Charity, his knee bouncing slightly as he forced himself to at least try and sit still. 

“Phillip.” Charity called his name softly to get his attention, she could see him starting to disappear into his own head again and she was fairly certain it wasn’t a safe place for him to be in his current state. He looked up at her, bewildered and confused. “Phillip, why don’t you just tell us what happened? We can help you fix it. Whatever it is.”

He snorted with laughter. What a ridiculous statement. They weren’t going to be able to help him fix anything, especially not himself. He somehow doubted they would even want to, not once they realise that this was the real Phillip Carlyle. No, he’d go back home, like his father had suggested. At least they understood him there and wouldn’t feel the need to try and fix him. “Do you not think I’m more than a little bit past saving by now?” He sighed. He looked around, spotting his shoes sitting on the floor at the end of the sofa. He hurriedly grabbed them and started putting them on. 

“I wouldn’t bother Carlyle because you’re not going anywhere.” Barnum said sternly. 

“You can’t make me stay here.” Phillip shot back. 

“No.” Barnum nodded in agreement. “But I promised Anne and everyone else I’d make sure you were safe, so if you’re not going to stay here then I’m taking you to stay with someone else because despite what you say you’re clearly not okay and I’m not going to leave you on your own to drink yourself to death. I don’t need that on my conscience.”

Phillip stood there for a moment, wearing just one shoe, Phin and Charity watching as his brain processed what had been said and they could physically see it on his face as he tried to work out what to say or do next. Then much to both of their surprise he sunk back down on the sofa without a word, tears appearing from nowhere and flowing down his cheeks. 

“Oh Phillip.” Charity was across the room and on the sofa next to him with her arms around him in seconds. “It’ll be okay. It’s all going to be fine.” She repeated over and over again, it was that same soothing tone she used when the girls had nightmares. Phillip almost wanted to let himself believe her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone who’s read this. It’s the first story I’ve written and it’s been really lovely to hear you’ve enjoyed reading it so far!

"Phillip, come on. You need to eat something." Charity sighed. He hadn't moved all morning, he'd just sat there and stared at the same spot on the wall. She was starting to wonder if he could even hear her or knew where he was. "Phillip?"

"What?" He mumbled, looking at her with confusion. He'd been lost in his own thoughts, all he could see was the look on Anne's face as he'd walked out of his office the day before. It had broken his heart, the look of defeat and the quiet plea for him to stay. For a moment it had almost stopped him in his tracks. He loved her. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, he just hoped that one day she might understand that was exactly why he needed to get as far away from the circus-and from her- as possible.

"Phillip, say something. Please. Anything." Charity pleaded. She'd thought that the brief moment of emotion he'd shown earlier that morning might mean he was finally going to open up. She'd been very wrong as it turned out, he'd shut down even more than before and the more he sobered up the worse it seemed to get.

"There's nothing to say." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "Please just let me go home." Home. The word sounded strange as it passed his lips. Was the apartment he'd been living in for the last year really his home? "Come home." That was what his father had said to him when he turned up at his apartment. Home. Had his parents house ever really been his home? The idea of going back there, being back there with them, it made him feel sick to his stomach. He'd thought that maybe the circus and his new adoptive family might become home, but there was that small bit of fear in him that he would ruin it in the same way he always ruined everything. It was that fear that made him want to get as far away from there as possible, before it was too late.

"What are you going to do if you go home?" She asked softly. "Other than sit there and drink yourself unconscious?"

He shrugged. "At least I'll be out of your way."

"Phillip I don't know how many times I have to say it, you're part of our family now you're not in anyone's way." Phin might have been a little more harsh on him, but she knew that it was frustration at not being able to do anything useful rather than frustration at Phillip being there that was winding her husband up. He didn't deal well with things being out of his control.

"You'll be a lot better off without me." Phillip sighed. "Trust me."

"Where is all this coming from Phillip?" Charity asked, turning in her seat so she could look at him properly. "Have your parents been round again?" Phillip had never really spoken about his parents, and no one had ever asked because it was clear there was a reason he didn't want to talk about them, but there was the one time they'd shown up at the circus and she could remember the look of horror on his face even now. It was similar to the expression on his face now. It was the only real explanation she could think of for Phillip's sudden regression to his former self. He'd been so happy the week before, fooling around on the trapeze with Anne. It was painful to see the difference a few days had made.

"Why does it matter?" He sighed.

"Because whatever it is Phillip, you can't just carry on like this forever." Charity argued. "I can only imagine what they did to you growing up but you can't let them ruin everything for you now."

He stared at her for a moment, almost shocked at her outburst. Then without warning he got to his feet and was at the door before she could process what was happening. "Goodbye Charity." He said softly, and then he was gone.

 

———-  
The show had finished long ago, everyone had gone home and it was just her and the empty ring left. There was still a dim light just visible from Barnum's office which suggested he was probably still there too. She thought for a moment about going to find him and ask how Phillip was. She'd been laying there awake all night, wondering where he was and what he was doing. She hadn't heard from him at all since he'd walked out of his office. Charity had called briefly to say that he was with them so she wouldn't worry, but unsurprisingly it had done very little to stop her worrying. She'd said she'd give him some time, he'd call when he was ready, but she didn't know if she was actually capable of waiting.

She'd stayed behind on the pretense of getting some more practice in. The new trick she'd added in hadn't been absolutely perfect that night and she wanted to make sure it was better for the next show. W.D. had said he'd stay with her but she'd quickly told him to go home. She needed some time on her own to try and clear her head, the last thing she wanted was him there telling her everything would be okay every five minutes.

Half an hour later she was packing her things away, her head a little bit clearer at least and getting ready to head for home. The sound of applause in the bleachers caught her attention, but when she looked up she couldn't see anyone. "Barnum?" She called warily, hoping it was him. She couldn't work out who else it might be at this time of night.

"It's looking good." Came the answer from the dim lighting of the tent. She squinted, her breath catching in her throat as Phillip walked along the bleachers and into the light, bottle of whiskey in hand. He took a swig from the bottle, jumping down off the bleachers to stand in front of her. He wobbled unsteadily for a moment as he landed and she stretched an arm out ready to catch him.

"What are you doing here Phillip?" She asked.

He shrugged, sitting down on the edge of the ring and taking another sip from the bottle. "I didn't think anyone else would be here."

She cautiously sat down next to him. "That doesn't really explain what you're doing here. I thought you were done?"

"I was." He shrugged. "I am. I just wanted some peace and quiet, need to think." The quiet buzz of the alcohol was already wearing off.

"What's wrong with your apartment?"

"My father's there." The words fell out before he had a chance to think better of it. He took another drink.

"I didn't know he was back." She said slowly. They'd only ever spoken about Phillip's parents once- he literally never spoke about them- and that had only been because they'd turned up at the circus on night and he hadn't had much of a choice.

"Yeah well, neither did I." He laughed sarcastically. "If I did I would've been a long way away from here."

Anne chewed on her lip, trying to work out what to say. She wanted to ask more questions and find out what was going on, but she was very aware that any second he was going to shut down and push her away again. "Do you know what he wants?" She asked hesitantly.

"Me." Phillip muttered darkly. "He wants me to go home."

Anne looked at him in confusion. This was what had happened last time and Phillip had told his father where to stick it without a second thought. There had to be something more to it for him to be this upset. "Okay, but he already knows you wouldn't do that right?"

Phillip looked up at her, his bloodshot and ringed with dark circles. He seemed to have aged by years in the space of just a week. "My Mom is sick." He whispered. "And if I don't give him what he wants then I'm not going to get to see her again."

"What's wrong with her?" Anne asked quietly. Her hand slowly crept towards his, her fingers slowly interlacing with this.

"I don't know." Phillip shrugged. "He won't tell me."

"What?" Anne couldn't contain her surprise.

"Exactly." He turned to look at her. "I don't know if he's even telling the truth."

"Why would he lie about that? It's messed up."

"Because he wants me to go home." Phillip said, as though it was the obvious answer to her question. "He's been calling me every week, sending me letters and emails. Threatening to cut me off completely if I don't listen to him. He knows I don’t care about the money. My Mom is the last bit of leverage he's got I suppose."

"Well, if you think he's lying then call his bluff?" Anne suggested.

"I can't." He answered miserably, his head sinking into his hands. "Because what if he's not? And even if he is lying then he's just going to try something else. He's not going to give up Anne and I don't want you and everyone else to end up getting caught in the middle of it. He's got me trapped and he knows it."

"What do you mean?"

"I know him Anne, what he's capable of . He'll come after the circus and I'm not going to be the one that destroys everything you've all worked for. Not again." He shook his head, looking up at her with defeat written all over his face. "I should never have let myself believe this could work, if I'd never got involved then this never would have happened."

He stood up and she jumped up and grabbed his arm. "Phillip, please don't." She whispered, her voice cracking. He slowly turned to face her, the distance between them small enough that she could smell the whiskey on his breath.

"I'm sorry." His hand moved up automatically to cradle the side of her face, her fingers came up and interlaced with his. "I've been trying to kid myself for days that there's a way around this but my hands are tied. I'm doing this because I love you, this is my own mess and I'm not going to drag you into it." His lips met hers for the briefest of seconds and she could taste the salt of his tears as they mingled with her own, and then he was gone- his figure disappearing into the shadows of the tent once again.

 

——-  
She had no idea how long she'd been sat there for, staring at the exit Phillip had disappeared from when Barnum silently sat down beside her. She'd forgotten he was even there. "I'm sorry." She whispered, picking up the bottle of whiskey Phillip had left behind.

Phineas looked at her in surprise. "What are you apologising for?"

"I couldn't make him stay." Her voice cracked with a strangled sob. When he'd left her in his office she'd assumed he'd been talking about leaving the circus, and even then she'd been convinced he'd change his mind, but there was no mistaking that what had just happened was him saying goodbye for good. Knowing what she knew about his father being back she knew he wasn't going to change his mind either.

"If his father's back that explains a lot." Barnum said slowly.

"He never talks about them. I didn't even know he still spoke to them."

Phineas shook his head. "Neither did I. They're not nice people Anne, believe me. I'm pretty sure that I believe what he's saying, he's just trying to protect you."

"But who's protecting him?" She asked bleakly.


	6. Chapter 6

He’d been stood outside his parents house for what seemed like hours, just staring at the lights visible from the window. Absolutely nothing had changed there since he’d left, and the thought filled him with dread. What was he doing even considering going back there? All he really wanted was to be back in his apartment with Anne. He wanted to sit there and eat take out with her while she took the piss out of something stupid he’d said or done earlier that day and told him about her plans to add new tricks into her routine. He just wanted to be there with her. 

He knew he’d hurt her, that was probably the worst part of it all. He’d promised her that he’d be there for her, that they had a future, and then he’d done what she’d been worried about all along and walked away from her. Even if she could begin to understand the reasons why he’d had to do it he knew he’d never feel any better about what he’d done. 

He’d let everyone down. P.T., Lettie, Charity, Caroline… the list was endless. The idea that he’d never be able to see any of them again seemed ridiculous. He had to keep reminding himself that he was doing this for them. If he gave his father what he wanted then he’d have no reason to go after the circus and at least they would all be able to carry on doing what they loved. He wasn’t going to be the one to ruin everything yet again. 

Eventually the freezing cold got to him and he slowly made his way up the steps to the door which swung open slowly as he reached the top step. Clearly someone had been watching him standing out there and waiting for him to eventually make it inside. His stomach flipped as he closed the door behind him and looked around. Absolutely nothing had changed since he’d left. 

“Glad you could join us.” His father's sarcastic comment came from the study. 

He had to concentrate on physically putting one foot in front of the other to walk through the door to go and find him. Every part of him wanted to turn around and leave, to run as fast as he could back to the circus and back to Anne. “Dad.” He greeted him warily, stopping in the doorway of the study. 

His father slowly turned in his desk chair to face him, a glass of whiskey in hand. “Sit down son.” He gestured to the sofa and Phillip reluctantly walked over and took a seat. “I’m surprised you actually came.” There was a slight smirk on his face as he spoke, looking his son up and down. He got to his feet, poured another glass of whiskey and then picked up the two glasses and walked over to sit opposite Phillip, handing him a glass. 

Phillip took the drink from his father quickly, as though it was some kind of lifeline that might save him from whatever the hell was going on. “You didn’t leave me a lot of choice.” He shrugged, draining his glass and setting it down on the coffee table. His father slowly sat down on the sofa opposite him, sipping from his own glass. 

“If you’d done as you were told in the first place it wouldn’t have had to come to this Phillip. You’ve had plenty of opportunities to do the right thing and yet you seem to think you can just carry on running around with the circus and that girl. You’re an embarrassment to this family Phillip and I will not have it.”

“So that’s what all this is really about.” Phillip sighed. He got up off the sofa and walked over to his father's desk so he could refill his glass from the decanter. “You don’t like Anne.”

“I don’t like any of it. The girl, that circus… do you really think I paid to put you through college so you could dance around in a top hat all day?” His father snapped back. “I will not allow it.”

“You don’t have a choice in the matter.” Phillip shrugged, sitting back down again. He sipped at his drink, the alcohol was giving him the bravery needed to finally say what needed to he said and he was thankful for it. “I'm an adult. Write me out of your will and disown me if you like, do whatever it is that you think I’m so terrified of it’ll change my mind. I don’t care.”

“Oh I don’t need to do any of that.” His father laughed quietly. “You’re not going anywhere Phillip. You and I both know that you’d never to that to your mother.”

“Where is she?” He asked. “Because I’m really not sure I believe you. Is she even sick or were you just trying to work out what to say to get me here?”

“How dare you.” His father growled, getting to his feet. “How dare you even suggest that.”

“What that you’re a terrible person and you’d lie about Mom being sick just to trick me into coming back here?” Phillip asked, standing and heading towards the door. “Let’s face it, it wouldn’t exactly be the worst thing you’ve ever done would it.”

The blow to the side of his face took him by surprise, not because he hadn’t been expecting his father to hit him- that was par for the course- but because he hadn’t realised his father had followed him to the door. His fingers automatically moved to his cheek as he turned to face his father again. “Watch your mouth son.” His father hissed. “I honestly couldn’t give a crap whether you were dead or alive anymore, just be thankful your mother wanted you here. God knows why though. You always were a pathetic waste of space.”

Phillip slowly turned the door handle and walked out of the study, glancing back over his shoulder to see if his father was going to follow him but he didn’t. “Mom?” He called uncertainly . He wasn’t even sure if she was actually there. He wouldn’t put it past his father. 

“Phillip?” The quiet voice from upstairs came back. He ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time until he reached the door. “You came.” She gasped as he pushed the door open. 

He felt like he’d been punched in the stomach and had all the air knocked out of his lungs as he looked at her. There was no denying the fact that she was ill. She looked tiny, propped up in the bed with masses of pillows around her. She seemed to have aged massively in the months that had passed since she’d turned up at the circus with his father. He’d been so convinced his father was just playing tricks on him he hadn’t prepared himself for this situation. 

“Don’t just stand there then, come and give me a hug.” She smiled, her voice cracking as she spoke. He slowly crossed the room, unsure of that to do. She looked so fragile that she might break if he touched her. “Here.” She patted the bed next to her and he carefully sat down and put an arm around her shoulders. 

“Mom?” He whispered. His eyes began to fill with tears. 

“Don’t go and get all emotional on me now Phillip.” She smiled. “I’m just so glad you’re here. I didn’t think you’d come with your father being here. I was hoping I’d be able to come and see you one more time while he was gone, but well… I don’t get too far these days.”

“What’s wrong Mom?” He asked quietly. 

“It doesn’t really matter now son.” She squeezed his hand gently, her skin pale and cold in comparison to his. “I haven’t got long left, and maybe that serves me right for all the terrible things I’ve done, but I just wanted to see you one more time. To be able to tell you how sorry I am.” She doubled over coughing as Phillip watched helplessly. 

“Mom I don’t understand.” He whispered as she rested her head against his shoulder. 

“I wasn’t there for you Phillip, that’ll always be something I regret. I know your father hasn’t always been a good man and I didn’t do anything to try and protect you. I’m so sorry. I wish we could go back and do things again and I… well I don’t know.” She admitted. “The point is I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am and that I’m proud of you.”

“Proud of me?” The words didn’t sound right as he repeated them back to her. 

“Yes.” She smiled. “That day we came and saw you in your show, your father was furious that he’d spent all that money on you going to college and then you’d thrown everything he’d given you away. All I could think about was how happy you looked out there. All I’ve ever wanted was for you to be happy Phillip. Don’t let him ruin this for you too.”

“Really?” He choked out through the tears. 

His Mom nodded. “Do what makes you happy Phillip. Life’s too short. You should be with that lovely lady, the one with the pink hair? You should both be having fun and enjoying yourselves while you can. You don’t want to end up like me and be stuck here thinking about all the things you could’ve done differently.”

“Anne?” He looked at his mother in surprise. “How did you know about her?”

“Oh darling, you could see it a mile off just from how you looked at her. Even your father noticed, wound him right up.” She laughed quietly. 

“He doesn’t approve.” Phillip mumbled. 

She shook her head. “No, but he never would. Not unless her father was a billionaire he could play golf with. I thought you were past caring what he thinks anyway?”

“I am. I was.” He sighed. “But you know what he’s like Mom. He said he’d go after them if I didn’t come back here and I’m not going to let him destroy everything they’ve all worked for.”

“The thing is with your father, he’s always relied on the fact you’re frightened of him.” She whispered. “Ever since you were a tiny little boy he could stop you in your tracks with just a look. My point is you’re old enough now to make your own decisions and that’s what really frightens him. He hasn’t got the power to stop you anymore.”

“But what if he-“

She shook her head. “Phillip, he’s got his hands full here with me. He might not be a good man, but even after all these years he still loves me. The man I married is still in there somewhere, the one before all the drink and anger, and he’s not going to do anything to upset me.”

He started at her in disbelief. “What are you trying to say? I don’t understand.”

“I’m saying Phillip, that I want you to do what makes you happy. I’m not going to be here, so don’t worry about me. You go and do your thing, don’t let him bully you anymore.” She struggled to stifle a yawn. 

“I think you’d better get some rest.” He moved to get off the bed and she caught his wrist. 

“You need to go Phillip. Please? I’m sorry I brought you back here. I really wish I hadn’t, but I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“Mom.” He choked through the tears. “I love you.”

“I know Phillip.” She whispered softly. “I love you too, and that’s why you need to go and not look back.”  
____________

He’d sat there for a while until his Mom fell asleep, holding her hand and just watching her. It seemed incomprehensible that he’d never see her again, but he also knew she was right. If he didn’t leave then his father was going to have him trapped again and this time he wouldn’t have his mother there to keep him sane. 

He kissed her forehead gently, one last time as she slept and quietly slipped out of the room and down the stairs. He’d thought he was going to get away with it, up until the second from last step creaked and the door to his father's study opened. His father stood in the doorway, glass of whiskey in hand glaring at him. It was a familiar sight that took him right back to his childhood all over again. He learned from a very early age that his father drinking had always ended in something bad. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” He sneered. 

“Home.” Phillip answered, taking another step closer to the door. 

“You are home.” His father snapped back. “You’re honestly just going to leave your mother like this?”

“I’ve said my goodbyes.” Phillip said quietly, as much as it pained him. “It’s what she wants.”

“Who are you to tell me what she wants?” His father short back. “Where have you been all these months? You don’t know anything about her situation.”

“I know that she doesn’t want me to get stuck here watching you drink yourself to death.” He reaches for the door handle. “I don’t know what you thought was going to happen here, but I’m not going to forgive you and live some kind of happily ever after dad. That ship had sailed.”

“Do you really think I’m going to let you get away with this? I will not have you out there embarrassing this family!” 

“Go for it.” Phillip shrugged, hoping his father couldn’t see how anxious he was. “I haven’t got anything left for you to take away from me. I don’t know when you’re going to realise that.”

“What about that girl, at the circus?” His father sneered. 

Phillip felt his stomach roll. “I told her I was leaving, that I was leaving her and the circus behind. As far as they’re all concerned I’ve gone and I’m not going back. They were all I had Dad, so it’s not going to work.” He stepped out of the door and pulled it closed behind him before his father could argue anymore. 

He managed to walk just far enough to get out of sight of the house before he sank down on the floor and his sobs overwhelmed him.


	7. Chapter 7

The knock at her door woke her and she looked at her alarm clock in confusion. It was the crack of dawn. She'd only made it into bed a few hours earlier, she'd spent half the night sat at the circus talking to Barnum. Then once she'd finally made it home she'd spent several more hours sitting there staring at the walls. She'd sat there for hours trying to work out what the hell she was supposed to do next. She wouldn't stand by and let Phillip do this. He couldn't throw away everything he'd worked for because of what his father might do. After all, he was as much a part of the circus as any of them

There was another knock at the door as she fumbled around looking for a jumper to put on over her pajamas. It was freezing outside and even the air in her apartment had an icy chill. "I'm coming, Jesus." She muttered, sliding her feet into the slippers and pulling her jumper closer around her.

She pulled the door open expecting to find her brother on the other side. No doubt he would be demanding that she come with him to practice some crazy new trick he'd thought of. Never a moments peace with him. The last thing she wanted to do was leave her bed. "W.D can you not leave me in peace for one day?" She groaned.

"Anne?"

Her head shot up at the sound of his voice. "Phillip?" He looked like shit. Even worse than when he'd left her at the circus the night before. There was a dark and angry purple bruise spreading across his cheekbone. He looked like he hadn't slept at all. "Come in." She quickly ushered him inside.

"I'm sorry." He whispered as she pulled him inside. "I'm so sorry Anne." He stood motionless exactly where she'd left him as she turned around to shut the door behind him.

"Phillip, what happened?" She asked, her hand moving up the side of his face. He winced as her fingers came in to contact with his bruised cheek. "Come here, let me clean that up." When he didn't move she took his hand and pulled him through to kitchen. He followed

She stretched up on to her toes, tilting his head so she could get a better look. He winced as she took a cloth and gently wiped at the dried blood by his eyebrow. "It's okay, I think it looked worse than it is."

"Thanks." He mumbled, leaning back against the kitchen counter. He stared at her for a moment, wondering what he was actually doing there. He'd said goodbye and told himself he'd leave her alone. It was better that way, but somehow there he was standing in her kitchen with no idea how he'd got there in the first place.

She looked at him for a moment as though she was expecting him to say something. Ideally give her a reason why he was there and what the hell had happened. But he didn't speak. He stood and stared at her as if he wasn't sure what she was doing there.

She turned around and started making them a coffee each. She need something to occupy herself with while she was thinking. She realized she was going to have to actually ask the question if she wanted to know the answer. "Phillip." She poured the milk into the two coffee's and turned to face him. "Have you been drinking again?"

He took the mug she held out to him, his hand trembling as he took it. "No." He shook his head. "Well yes I suppose.. but not like that." He mumbled.

"Not like what?" She sighed. She'd been naive to start with, and perhaps that was her own fault. She hadn't realized how reliant he was on the drinking. She still found it difficult to relate the Phillip she knew now to the man Barnum had found in the bar. Looking at him now she wondered if he'd changed as much as she thought he had. The thought frightened her.

"My father." He looked down at his feet. He didn't want to see the look of pity she was giving him. "He gave me a whiskey, or two or three. I don't know."

"You actually went?" She sounded surprised. He looked up at her and nodded, sipping at his coffee and struggling to stifle a yawn. "Come and sit down, we can talk." She took his hand and pulled him over to the sofa.

He sat down heavily, kicking his shoes off and sipping at his coffee again. The warmth of the drink was reminding him exactly how cold he was. As if she could read his mind he pulled a blanket off the back of the sofa as he started shivering.

"Well?" She prompted when he still hadn't said anything.

He shrugged. "Well what?" He could feel his bottom lip quiver. He didn't want to talk about this. All he could see was his mother's face as she'd told him to go. How could he walk out and leave her there with that man? What had he been thinking?

"Phillip." She sighed. "What are you doing here?" She couldn't work out what his goal was. He didn't want to talk about it, whatever it was. But why else would he be there? He had to know she was going to ask questions.

"I don't know." He admitted. "I'm not even sure how I got here. I was walking, trying to clear my head, and then I was stood at your door."

She reached across and took his hand in her own, squeezing gently. "What happened after you left the circus last night?" She asked again.

"I-" He turned to look at her, drawing in a deep breath. She nodded in encouragement. "I went to my parents house." He whispered.

Anne sat and watched him as he drained the last of his coffee, setting the mug down on the coffee table and turning to her. "She's sick Anne. Really sick." He didn't realize he was crying again until a tear rolled down his cheek and landed on his arm.

"Oh Phillip. I'm so sorry." She whispered, reaching across and pulling him into her arms. "I'm so sorry."

He sagged against her, head on her shoulder letting out the tears he'd held back the night before. She held him tightly and stayed quiet, letting him get it out. There was a lot more to the story. She knew that. She also knew he'd only tell her when he was ready and she'd have to be patient.

She wasn't sure how long they'd sat there like that. Eventually she realized his breathing had slowed and deepened- he'd fallen asleep. She shifted on the sofa, positioning him so he was laying down with his head in her lap and covered him with the blanket. He looked peaceful. The deep frown that had been etched on his forehead for the last few days had gone. He looked peaceful, happy almost. It was a relief to see. He looked like her Phillip again.

She reached out to grab her phone off the coffee table, careful not to wake him. He shifted in her lap as she settled back on the sofa and she froze, thinking she'd woken him. She breathed a sigh of relief as he fidgeted but didn't wake up.

Dialing the number she held the phone up to her ear, holding her breath as she waited for an answer.

"Hello?" She could hear the confusion in Barnum's voice as he answered the phone.

"Hi it's Anne... I'm sorry to call so early, it's just um... Philip's here." She whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" He asked, more alert. She'd caught his attention. "What do you mean Phillip's there?"

"As in he's at my apartment. Asleep on my sofa, which is why I'm whispering. He just turned up an hour ago."

"Did he say where he's been?" Barnum asked.

"His parents."

"What do you want me to do?" He asked. "I can come over if you need me too or you can bring him here if you'd rather not have him on your sofa?" He suggested.

"No." She shook her head. "He's fine here, I wondered if maybe you could go and grab him some clothes from his place? I don't think he should be back there on his own like this."

"I can do that." Barnum agreed quietly. "I'll go over there at lunch time and drop them in to you."

"Thank you." She breathed a sigh of relief.

There was a pause. "You know, we can manage without you for one night. You should stay with him."

"Are you sure?" She asked, surprised.

"Yeah. We can talk about it later." He suggested. "I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"Thanks Barnum." She whispered and then hung up the phone. She looked back down at Phillip who was still fast asleep. The bruising on his face was spreading and turning a deeper shade of purple. She wanted to ask him what the hell had happened but she wasn't sure she'd ever actually get an answer.

_____________

He jogged up the last set of stairs towards Phillip's apartment,coming to a stop when he realized the door was open. He slowly pushed it open and stepped inside, looking around. "Hello?" He called hesitantly. If Phillip had left hers Anne would've called him surely?

"Phillip?" Came the reply as Barnum stepped further into the apartment. Sitting on the sofa was Phillip's father. "What are you doing here?" He demanded, glaring at Barnum.

"I've come to get a few things for Phillip. I could ask you the same question?" He raised an eyebrow and waited for an answer.

"I'm here to talk to my son." Mr Carlyle snapped. "Not that it's any of your business. He's not your son and it's none of your business."

Barnum took a deep breath to calm himself. He was trying to remind himself why exactly hitting Phillip's father would be a bad idea. "He's not coming back here so I'd give up waiting if I were you." He suggested. "Have you not ruined his life enough already? He's happy. Leave him to it."

"How dare you!" Mr Carlyle spat back at him. "He is my son and he will do whatever I see fit. You don't know my Phillip, not like I do. Sooner or later he'll decide he's had enough of this stupid circus stuff and he'll come running back home. He always does. He's not going to last five minutes, not now he knows about his mother."

"So she is sick." Barnum felt his stomach twist. That was why Mr Carlyle looked so smug, he knew he'd got Phillip trapped.

A flicker of something that could have been emotion crossed Mr Carlyle's face for a split second. "This is nothing to do with you." He snapped.

"I care about Phillip, I'm not going to stand here and watch you destroy him." Barnum shot back, walking through to the bedroom and shoving a few items of clothing into a bag. He walked back out to where Mr Carlyle was standing. "Get out." He ordered.

"You're going to regret this Barnum." Mr Carlyle spat. "Are you really going to risk everything you've built for Phillip?"

"That's what you do for people you care about, but I wouldn't expect you to understand that."

"You're going to regret this Barnum." Mr Carlyle called back over his shoulder as he stormed out.


	8. Chapter 8

"Mom." The cry from the other room sent Anne running from the kitchen to the living room. "Mom. Please come back." Phillip was still asleep on the sofa, curled up on his side. His face was creased in a deep frown, tears streaming down his face.

"Phillip." She shook him gently, kneeling down beside him. "Phillip, wake up. It's me. Anne." She shook him a couple of times before his eyes opened. He looked at her confused and groggy.

"Anne? What are you doing here?" He wiped at his face with his sleeve, trying to work out why it was wet.

"You're in my apartment Phillip. Of course I'm here." She answered. He looked around and realized she was right. He hadn't got a clue how he'd ended up there.

"Oh. Right." He mumbled. Had he been that drunk? He could remember being in his father's study and then..... the realization of what had led him to Anne's door hit him like a tonne of bricks. Mom.

"Phillip. You need to breathe." Anne reminded him. She could practically see his mind racing, trying to work out what to do.

He sucked in a shaky breath. "My Mom, Anne. I have to go back." He started to stand, looking around for his shoes and jacket but she gently pushed him back down. 

"Phillip. What happened? You were drunk last night and you weren't really making any sense." Anne asked, sitting down beside him.

Phillip looked down at his hands, pulling at a loose thread on his sleeve. What was he supposed to say to her? He should never have come to her, the last thing he wanted was to drag her into his mess. That had been his reason for leaving the circus in the first place. How had he ended up in her apartment? His foggy memory struggled to put together what had happened. "It's fine. I should go." He said when he realized she was still looking at him waiting for an answer.

"Phillip, you're not fine." She sighed, her hand still gripping his wrist as though she were afraid he would run away the second she left go. "You don't have to keep pretending it's okay, you're allowed not to be. She's your Mom."

"How much did I tell you last night?" He asked hesitantly. This was the problem, he never had a filter when it was drunk. He'd lost count of the amount of times he'd said things he shouldn't have done after a couple of drinks. He'd got drunk and joined the circus for god's sake. That one had turned out to be the best thing he'd ever done but he really should've learned his lesson by now.

"You were drunk and upset. You didn't make much sense." Anne told him quietly. "You said you Mom was sick and that was about it. I'm so sorry Phillip."

"Why are you sorry?" He asked, running his fingers through his head. The hangover was starting to kick in and he felt awful. "It's not like it's your fault."

"No." She whispered. "But I hate seeing you like this. When are you going to realize that I love you and I'm not going anywhere?"

"I..." He stared at her blankly for a moment. A few weeks ago he would've been so happy to hear her say that- but now? He'd only proven he didn't deserve her. "I don't know how to do this." He admitted, his voice barely a whisper.

"Do what?" She frowned struggling to follow his train of thought.

"This." He gestured to her. "I don't know how to let someone in. I don't do this, I never had. I drink Anne, I drink and it frightens me because some days I need that whiskey like I need oxygen. It scares me but I can't make myself stop it. I'm not good enough for you."

"Stop it." Anne interjected, shaking her head. "You've made some mistakes, we all have. I'm screwed up too Phillip. Everyone is. You don't have to be perfect all the time."

"I don't know what to do Anne." He whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know Phillip." She squeezed his hand. "But we can figure it out together, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

He looked at her for a long moment, his eyes searching her face for something but she wasn't quite sure what. "I can't let you get involved in this Anne. My father, he's not a good man."

"I'm quite capable of looking after myself Phillip. You should know that by now." He pulled a face but didn't say anything else. "Why don't you go and have a shower and I'll make us some breakfast?" She suggested.

"I should go home and do that. I need to change." He sighed.

Anne shook her head. "P.T. said he'd go get you some clothes and bring them over. You're staying here for a while." It wasn't an offer, he wasn't having a choice in the matter. There was no way she was letting him go anywhere on his own. There was no telling quite what he'd do in his current state.

"Oh." Was all Phillip could manage in response. He still felt like he was in some kind of bizarre dream he couldn't wake up from as Anne pushed him towards the bathroom.

P.T. turned up a couple of minutes after Phillip had gone in the shower. She didn't think she'd ever been so pleased to see the ring master. She was in way over her head with this, she hadn't got a clue what to do for the best.

"Oh thank god, you're here." She breathed a sigh of relief as she let him in to her apartment. P.T. held out a bag of Phillip's clothes to her. "I'll just put these in the bedroom so he can change when he's out of the shower." She said, disappearing for a second.

"His father was at his apartment." P.T. told her when she came back into the living room. His expression was grim and told Anne everything she needed to know.

"Sorry, I had no idea." She cringed.

P.T. waved his hand dismissively. "It's not your fault, you weren't to know. How is he?"

Anne shrugged. "I don't know. He's not said much. Just keeps saying that he doesn't want me to get dragged into the middle of it all. His Mom is sick, but that's all I know."

"Yeah. I figured that bit out from what his father said." Barnum sighed unhappily. 

"What did he say to you?" Anne asked curiously.

"A lot of threats, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't actually follow through on them." Barnum tried to smile so Anne wouldn't see how worried he actually was.

"Oh he would, trust me." They both turned around to find Phillip standing in the doorway of the bedroom in jeans and a shirt, his hair dripping. "You two don't have any idea what he's like. This is why I didn't want you getting involved."

"Come and sit down, I think we need to talk about this." P.T. suggested. Anne nodded in agreement and sat down on the sofa gesturing to Phillip to come and sit with her. P.T. sat in the armchair opposite them both as Phillip sat down reluctantly.

"There's nothing to talk about." Phillip sighed. 

"We care about you Phillip, we're worried about you. You might not like it but that's how it works. You're a part of my family now and I'm not about to watch you fall apart." P.T. interjected before he could get any further.

"You don't need to worry about me. I'm f-"

"Phillip I swear to God if you try and tell me you're find again I'm going to lose it." P.T. shot back. "Look at yourself, you're not fine. Burying your head in the sand, or should I say whiskey, isn't going to work."

Anne glared at Barnum. She hadn't been expecting him to be quite so harsh. Phillip seemed more than a little taken aback as he sat there staring at his friend. "Well.. don't hold back." He cringed.

"Well, someone's gotta tell you the truth at some point Phillip." Barnum shrugged. "You carry on like this you're going to end up exactly like him. Is that really what you want?" He hadn't meant it to sound quite as harsh as it had done and he saw the hurt flicker across Phillip's face.

"I don't know what to do." Phillip breathed, his hand sliding into Anne's and gripping onto her for dear life. "I don't know how to do this."

"I know." Barnum said gently, his face softening. Anne squeezed Phillip's hand reassuringly. "But you've gotta lay off the drink Phillip, we'll help you- you know we will. But you can't even begin to deal with any of this in the state you're in."

Phillip knew somewhere deep down that he was right. That feeling didn't help with the fact that all he really wanted was to drink himself into the comforting sleep that whiskey brought him. But he had to try, the way Anne was looking at him as enough to convince him that he had to try for her at least.


	9. Chapter 9

Phillip was huddled up on her sofa, shivering still in spite of being wrapped in a blanket. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut and he'd gone as white as a sheet. Anne watched him nervously, unsure of what to do. Barnum had left, he'd got things to do for the show that night and at the time Phillip had seemed fine. Looking at him now, a thin sheen of sweat forming on his forehead, she was less convinced. She didn't have a clue what she was supposed to do in this situation. It wasn't really something she'd ever had to prepare for.

"Phillip." She whispered, sitting down next to him. "How're you feeling?" She reached out and put her hand on his forehead.

He shivered at the feel of her cool hand against his skin. "Like shit." He mumbled. His stomach churned again and for a moment he thought he was going to be sick again. "Shouldn't you be at work?" He opened one eye hesitantly, waiting to see if the room was going to start spinning again.

She frowned at him. "I'm not going anywhere and leaving you like this." She didn't say it, but he knew what she meant. She wasn't going to leave him there on his own in case he started drinking. He was as grateful as he was embarrassed. There was no doubt in his mind that if he was home alone he'd be halfway through a bottle of whiskey by now.

"I'm sorry." It had to be the hundredth time he'd said that. It wasn't making him feel any better either.

"You don't have to keep saying that Phillip." She sighed, reaching for his hand. "I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you- I care about you. I just wish you'd let me in."

"I don't..." He stopped, trying to find the right words. His head was pounding again as he opened his eyes to look at her properly. "I don't know how."

She gave him a tight smile. "I know... and I'm not saying you have to right now. I just.... I'm here Phillip, and I care about you. Don't shut me out."

He swallowed, looking down at his hands as he fiddled with the edge of the blanket she'd given him. His hands trembled slightly no matter how hard he tried to stop them. "When I was little and I was learning to ride my bike..." He started. "I fell off and I ran back to my Mom crying. My Dad came home and saw us sitting there and he..he um..."

"Phillip, it's okay. You don't have to tell me." Anne interjected. She could see the pain on his face even just thinking about it.

"He dragged me back into the house still crying, poured himself a whiskey and told me to sit down and shut up. Carlyle men don't cry. That's what he told me. I was I don't know.. five or six? Of course I kept crying and it wound him up. He threw his glass at me and it smashed right over my head. He told me if it ever happened again he'd send me away to school and I wouldn't be allowed back."

"Phillip that's...." Anne was at a loss trying to find the right kind of words.

"Not the worst of it." His mouth set into a grim line. "You don't want to know Anne, you really don't. Just believe me when I say he's not a good man."

"What about your Mom though? You must love her." Th words came out before she could stop herself and she saw him suck in a breath. "Sorry, I didn't mean.."

He shook his head, squeezing her hand. "It's okay, I know what you meant. I hated her for a really long time. I couldn't understand... all these terrible things my father was doing and she just stood by and watched... I was too young to understand she was as frightened of him as I was."

"Was?" Anne frowned.

Phillip laughed dryly. "The older I got the more he took his frustrations out on me. She let him, I can't really say I blame her now looking back on it. At the time it felt like she didn't care."

"And now?" Anne asked. "Why is she still with him?"

Phillip took another shaky breath, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know... When she was talking about him, she just said the man she fell in love with is still in there somewhere.... I can't believe I just left her there with him. I have to go and.." He moved to stand and the room around him spun.

Anne caught him. "You're not going anywhere like this Phillip, you know that. The last thing she needs is to be worrying about you too."

He was quiet for a few minutes and when he did speak again his voice was so quiet she barely caught what he said. “I’m worried Anne. I’m worried I’m turning into him.”

“You could never do that.” She shot back straight away, shaking her head. “You’re nothing like him.”

“Look at me Anne, really look at me.” He whispered, shaking his head in disgust. “I’m a drunk. I can’t even begin to explain how much I want a drink right now.”

“But you’re not in a bar.” She reminded him. “You’re trying Phillip.”

“It scares me Anne.” He whispered. “I’ve done so many stupid things and half the time I’m too drunk to remember them properly anyway. I was off my face when I met P.T. and that turned out to be the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I can’t even remember being there with him. I could’ve done literally anything and I honestly don’t think I would have a clue.”

“You’re not like him Phillip.” She shook her head again. “You’re not going to be anything like him.”

“I want to believe you, I do.” A tear rolled down his cheek and she reached out and gently wiped it away. “But if you knew who I really was, all the things I’ve done…. you wouldn’t be saying any of this. You’d be running for the hills. You still should.”

She stood up abruptly, taking his hand and pulling him up with her. He screwed his eyes shut for a moment as the room swayed around him before tentatively opening them again to look at her. “Where are we going?” He frowned. 

“To bed.” She tugged gently on his hand to get him to follow her. “It’s late. It’s up to you, we can talk and you can tell me anything you want to, we can lay here in silence… I don’t mind. I’m not going anywhere though Phillip. No matter what you say to try and convince me otherwise.”

He wordlessly let her pull him into the bedroom. His whole body aches and he was suddenly overwhelmed by just how tired he felt. He couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d slept properly. 

Fifteen minutes later she settled herself into bed beside him, his arms automatically snaking out to hold her. It was comforting, having her there beside him. He had to keep looking at her to remind himself that she was real and actually there. He could see the ways he was watching him out of the corner of her eye constantly- trying to read his facial expression. He’d be amazed if she managed to figure out how he was feeling given that he hadn’t got a clue himself. 

“When they came to the circus that time.” He said quietly, then hesitated. He wasn’t sure why he was telling her this. They’d never spoken about his parents, just like they’d never spoken about hers. He’d been quite happy to leave it that way. “When I went outside to talk to them… my father… he um… he said that eventually I’d drink myself stupid and ruin everything again… what if he’s right?”

“I keep telling you Phillip, he’s not.” Anne said firmly. Her hand went to his cheek and gently turned his face so he was looking at her. “I’m here. We’re going to do this together.”

“I’ve been doing this for so long Anne… I don’t know if I know how to. I don’t know if I can. I don’t want you getting hurt because you’re in the middle of this.”

“I’m quite capable of looking after myself Phillip. If you talk to me and actually let me in I’ll be here for you. I love you. This doesn’t change that.” She whispered. 

He looked at her for a moment, trying to find the words. He’d never spoken about it with anyone. Even his mother had just pretended it wasn’t happening and refused to acknowledge it. It had worked for both of them, or so they’d thought. 

“I partied a lot in college. I don’t know, guess I felt like I was finally free? Then when I finally had to tell my father that I’d been lying to him and I hadn’t studied business at all and I’d actually been doing English Literature…. well, let’s just say things got even worse at home. He started drinking more, which made him more violent. I started going out drinking more because it annoyed him. It was like an escape, y’know? If I drank enough it was like I could switch my brain off for a bit and I didn’t have to think about the fact he’d be at home waiting for me. I didn’t think it was a problem. But then it wasn’t just the weekends… I was out every night, and then it was every afternoon and every night. Somewhere along the line I ended up needing that whiskey like I need oxygen.”

“It’s okay.” She smiled encouragingly.

“I… I don’t know who I am anymore Anne. Everything I’ve done… I don’t know if it was me or the drink… if I hadn’t been drowning myself in whiskey and avoiding my parents then maybe I would’ve been there for Mom and realised she was sick before it was too late.”

“The trouble is with you Phillip, you always feel responsible for everyone else. You can’t take the weight of the world on your shoulders all the time.” She sighed, snuggling into him and his arms tightened around her. She hadn’t realised quite how much she’d missed having him there with her. “Your parents pushed you away, you did what you had to do. You’d have gone insane if you’d stayed there. Your Mom knows that. She told you to leave so you wouldn’t end up stuck there. She understands, you know that somewhere deep down.”

He was quiet for a moment, mulling over her words in his mind. “I hope so. I really hope so.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanted to say a big thank you again to everyone who’s read this- particularly those of you who’ve left comments it’s really helped to spur me on to keep writing. 
> 
> I was really nervous before posting this, it’s the first time I’ve really tried writing anything so thanks again and I just want to say thanks again and I hope you enjoy!

———

She woke before it got light, squinting in the dim light that was coming from a crack in the bathroom door trying to work out what was going on. Then as her fingers reached the cold and empty bed sheets beside her she realised the noise she could hear was Phillip in the bathroom. 

She silently got up and went to the kitchen to get him some water, shivering as she walked barefoot across the cold wooden floor. “Here.” She said softly, handing him the glass of water which he took gratefully, not moving from his position sitting on the floor beside the toilet. 

“I’m sorry. I was trying not to wake you.” He sighed. He took a sip of water and instantly regretted it as he stomach churned again. 

“How are you doing?” She asked, turning around to grab a towel. She ran it under the tap and then placed it around the back of his neck. It was cool and felt heavenly against his feverish skin. 

“I’m fine.” He answered. He’d been desperately hoping he wouldn’t wake her up and he could make it back to bed before she realised he was gone. He was a mess and he was beyond embarrassed, the last thing he wanted was for her to see him like this. 

“You don’t look fine.” She commented, kneeling down beside him. 

“Well stop looking then.” He snapped, leaning forward as his stomach rolled again. 

“Come on.” She sighed, her hand rubbing his back gently. “Come back to bed. You’re not going to make yourself feel any better sitting on my bathroom floor.” Despite the chill in the air his skin was hot and flushed. When he lifted his head and looked at her he looked as though he’d been running a marathon rather than sitting on the cold tiled floor of her bathroom. 

“I can’t.” He shook his head. “I can’t do this Anne.”

“Yes you can.” She took hold of his arm and hauled him to his feet. He leaned against her heavily and she was grateful for the upper body strength years of trapeze training has given her as she held him upright on the way back to bed. 

“I can’t.” He groaned, sinking back onto the bed. She peeled the covers back off him as he tried to pull them up in an attempt to cool him down a little. 

“It’ll get easier Phillip. You just have to get through these first couple of days. I’m here. We can do this.” She pleaded. She really hoped her Google search was right- she was well outside her comfort zone with this. 

“You shouldn’t have to do this.” He sighed unhappily. She settled herself back into bed beside him, her hand going to his forehead again. He was radiating heat and his skin was flushed and damp still. 

“Phillip, if I was sick you’d be doing exactly the same thing for me.” She argued. 

“That’s different.” He sighed. 

“How?” She rolled over to face him, his expression hard to make out in the dim lighting. 

“I’m not sick. I did this to myself.” He mumbled. “I didn’t… I thought I could just stop, whenever I wanted. That I was in control of it. I didn’t realise it was this bad.”

“Try and get some sleep.” She suggested quietly. “We can talk about this properly in the morning. You might feel better once you’ve had some sleep.”

There was a long silence and for a moment she thought he’d fallen asleep. “I don’t think I could do this without you.” He whispered, she wondered for a moment if he knew she was still awake. 

“You don’t have to. I’m right here.” She rolled over and kissed his cheek gently. “It’s all going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere.”  
—————————-  
When he woke up again, in the daylight this time, she wasn’t there next to him and there was a brief moment of panic. Then he realised he could hear her singing to herself in the kitchen. Glancing at the alarm clock beside him he realised it was nearly lunchtime time and he’d slept through the entire morning. The constant churning in his stomach had subsided somewhat though, his head still throbbed but it was nowhere near as bad as the previous night. He cautiously sat up, swinging his legs over the bed- the room around him swayed slightly but didn’t continue to spin. He breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe he could do this after all. 

He showered and changed quickly before walking through to the kitchen to find her. She was standing at the cooker in her gym kit, back to him and dancing to the radio as she cooked a couple of eggs. 

“Morning.” He smiled, reaching around her to pour himself a coffee. “Or should I say afternoon? You should’ve woken me up.”

She turned to face him. “I thought you probably needed the sleep. You look a lot better for it. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fi-“ the look she gave him stopped him in his tracks. “I feel a lot better than I did during the night. Better than I deserve to probably.”

She nodded, seeming satisfied by his answer. “You hungry?” She asked. 

He sipped his coffee cautiously, praying it wouldn’t bring back the sickness of the night before. “Not really.”

“I shouldn’t have asked. It wasn’t a question really. You need to eat- sit.” She ordered, pointing at the table. 

He followed her instruction silently, knowing he wasn’t going to win. She sat down opposite him with a plate of scrambled eggs for each of them. He picked at the food to start with, not wanting to upset her, only to realise that she was right and he was absolutely starving. 

“I need to go into work for a little while today.” She said hesitantly as they finished eating. She was watching him closely, trying to judge his reaction. “I need to get some practice in with W.D. or he’s going to kill me.”

“Does he know?” Phillip asked quietly. It hadn’t really occurred to him until that point that everyone else at the circus would be wondering what had happened to him. 

Anne shook her head. “P.T. told them all you were sick.”

Phillip nodded slowly, thinking. “Is it… can I come with you? Do you mind? I don’t really want to be here on my own…” he asked quietly. There was a quiet but persistent voice in the back of his mind that was convinced she was going get fed up with him and push him away. 

Her sigh of relief was visible. “I was hoping you’d say that.” She breathed. “It’s not that I don’t trust you Phillip I just think that maybe….” She trailed off unsure of how to finish. 

“I don’t trust me.” He sighed. “It frightens me, what might happen if I’m here on my own with noone to stop me.”

She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. “It’s okay. One step at a time. I’ll let P.T. know you’re coming too. Maybe you can help him out with a few things? Keep your mind off it?” She suggested. 

Phillip nodded, finishing the last of his breakfast. “Come on, let’s get going. W.D. never did like me I don’t want to give him any more reasons.”

“He might not show it but he likes you, you wouldn’t still be here if he didn’t.” She laughed, getting up to clean up. “Come on, go and get dressed and we’ll get going.”


	11. Chapter 11

Phillip’s grip on her hand had got progressively tighter the closer they got to the circus. It was freezing outside, his breath forming little clouds in front of his face, but he was sweating in spite of it. His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt sick to his stomach. The only thing that was keeping him moving forward was Anne’s firm grip on his hand. 

As they approached the door he stopped dead, pulling her to an abrupt stop with him. “Phillip?” She frowned, turning to look at him. He’d been quiet the whole way there and she could feel the tension radiating off him but she’d been ignoring it thinking maybe if she could get him there he’d feel a bit more like himself. Maybe she’d been wrong to push it. 

“I can’t.” He whispered. He tried to pull his hand free from hers but she kept a hold of it tightly. “They’re all going to hate me.”

“Phillip.” She sighed, her hand coming up to the side of his face so she could turn his head to make him look at her. “No one knows anything. They all think you’ve been sick. It’s up to you if or what you want to tell them. They’re your friends, they’ll just be happy to see you. I told P.T. you were coming with me. You can go and help him with some things if you want to, take a nap on the sofa in his office if you like… I don’t think he’ll mind.”

He stared at her for a moment, wide eyed with a deep frown. He took a couple of deep breaths trying to shake off the feeling he couldn’t breathe. It was odd. The circus had been the place he loved most- his escape from his past and chance at freedom- and now he could barely bring himself to set foot inside. How many nights had he spent sitting in his office working to escape his nightmares? He wasn’t sure he could ever imagine feeling so safe and comforted by being there again- after all it was only a matter of time before his father was going to take it all away from him again. 

“Come on.” She tugged gently on his hand. “You’ll feel better once we get inside…. and if you don’t then we don’t have to stay.”

“Okay.” He breathed, allowing her to pull him forward. 

She breathed a quiet sigh of relief when they made it into the tent and to P.T’s office unnoticed. The door was open and they quickly ducked inside, P.T. looking up as she closed the door behind them. 

“Phillip.” Barnum smiled. “It’s good to see you here.”

“Yeah… I um…” Phillip looked at Anne hopelessly. What was he supposed to say? He was just lucky Barnum hadn’t kicked his sorry ass out onto the street yet. Yet. 

“You’d better get going Anne, W.D. has been looking for you all morning.” Barnum laughed. “I’ve got a few things I need Phillip’s help with, come find us when you’re done?”

Anne looked at Phillip for a long moment, unsure of whether to leave him or not. He looked so uncomfortable and unsure of himself stood there- so not like her Phillip- it was almost painful. “I-“

“Go.” He whispered, nodding towards the door. She looked between him and P.T. for a moment and then spun on her heel and left the room in search of her brother. If she was honest she was itching to get back on the trapeze- she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had more than a couple of days off. She needed the time to clear her head so she could work out what she was going to do next. 

“Trouble in paradise?” W.D. smirked as she walked into the ring. “You’re late.”

She glared at him. “And you’re not funny.” 

“Hey, Anne.” He caught her arm as she started unwinding the ropes and getting things ready. He pulled her round to face him. “It was a joke. What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” She whispered, her voice hoarse and much to her dismay her eyes started to fill with tears. 

“Anne.” W.D. growled. “Don’t lie to me. If he hurt you I’ll-“

“No.” She choked out. “Phillip hasn’t done anything. The opposite. Can you please just leave it?”

He pulled her into a bone crushing hug. “What’s going on Anne?”

“I can’t tell you.” She sobbed against his chest. 

“Hey, it’s all going to be okay.” W.D. pulled her over to the bleachers so they could sit and talk. “Why can’t you tell me?”

She looked up at him, her face stained with her tears. “I made a promise, it’s not my secret to tell. I’d do the same for you.”

W.D. stiffened. “So this is about Carlyle. You’ve barely known him five minutes Anne, don’t go getting yourself dragged into his shit.”

“It’s not like that.” She sighed. “I know I’ve not really known him all that long but he’s not who you think he is. Hasn’t he proved that with everything he’s done for us all?”

W.D. pulled a face but didn’t speak. She could practically see him working his way through a list in his head of all the things Phillip had done- good and bad- in the months he’d been at the circus. “I don’t know.” He sighed eventually. “Sure, I mean he seems like a good guy now… but people like that Anne, he’s not like us. I’m just worried he’ll get bored of playing circus and run back to that big fancy house his parents live in and you’ll be the one that gets hurt.”

Anne shook her head. “He’s not like that.”

W.D. sighed. “I’ve got no idea how you can be so sure, but you obviously love him.”

“I do.” She whispered, resting her head on her brothers shoulder. There was a part of her that was worried it might not be enough to overcome everything that was in front of them, but the last thing she was going to do was tell her brother that. “Now can we please get on with this so I can go home? You’re the one who insisted I had to come in today!”

He looked at her for a long minute, trying to read from her face what it was she wasn’t telling him but came up empty. “Okay.” He nodded. “Here’s what I was thinking….”

***********

“Sit.” P.T. ordered as Anne closed the door behind her. He gestured at the sofa that was pushed up against the wall. 

“I’ll be honest I really don’t think I’m going to be able to help you with anything today.” Phillip sighed. He could feel the dull ache in his head starting to return already. 

Barnum waved dismissively. “I wasn’t expecting you to do anything. If I’m honest I wasn’t even expecting you to actually be here.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Phillip sighed, sitting down heavily. 

P.T. rolled his eyes. “You know that wasn’t what I meant. How are you doing Phillip?”

“Fine.” He sighed. What was he supposed to say- no I’m not okay but I’m tired of people asking me? He wasn’t even sure himself what he was really feeling, let alone how to put it into words that might explain it to someone else. “Tired.”

P.T. sat and looked at him for a long moment with an unreadable expression. “How long has it been going on Phillip? The drinking.” He asked quietly. 

Phillip shrugged, looking down at the floor unable to bring himself to look his friend in the eye. “I don’t know. I honestly didn’t think I had a problem.”

“I probably should’ve realised when I saw you in the bar.” P.T. said quietly. It was funny how in hindsight everything about the last few months seemed to be ringing alarm bells that had previously gone unnoticed. 

“I um… if you don’t want me here anymore… I’ll understand.” Phillip mumbled. His stomach churned as he said it, it was the last thing he wanted- the circus had become him home. But he also had to face the fact that now they knew the real him they might not want him around anymore. “I know I’m not the person you thought I was.”

“Tell me something- if you’d been sober that night in the bar do you think you’d be sitting here now?” Barnum asked. 

Phillip shrugged. He couldn’t even remember that night in the bar, let alone what he was thinking. “I honestly don’t have a clue. I can barely remember being there.”

Barnum cringed. “I was worried you might say that. Do you regret it?”

“No.” Phillip answered before he’d even finished the question. “Not even slightly.”

“Well.” P.T. smiled. “That’s good to hear.”

“I just…” He looked up at P.T., looking for the words to say what he meant. “I don’t know if I can do it anymore… Anne had to drag me in here today and I can’t even begin to imagine going out there in front of everyone and putting on a show.”

“Don’t try and run before you can walk.” P.T. smiled. “I’ve been quite enjoying being back, don’t tell Charity though.” 

“Don’t tell Charity what?” They both looked around as the door to the office swung open. Charity stood, arms folded looking questioningly at her husband. 

“Nothing dear.” Barnum smiled. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought I’d come and see Phillip.” She smiled, closing the office door behind her. “How are you doing?”

Phillip shifted awkwardly in his chair as she walked around and perched on the desk beside him. “I’m okay.”

Charity reached out and squeezed his shoulder. “Have you been out to see Anne? Their practice looks like it’s going really well!”

P.T. got to his feet. “Come on.” He waved for them both to follow. “Let’s go and have a look.”

As they all stood on the balcony, exactly where he’d been stood the first time he’d ever laid eyes on Anne, watching her soar through the air to meet W.D. Phillip noticed one thing. The deep frown that had been etched onto her face the last few days had gone. She looked free, happy- just like she had when she’d first met him. The gut wrenching realisation came that he’d been the one who was making her so unhappy and she really did deserve so much better.


	12. Chapter 12

It wasn’t until Anne was back on the ground, laughing at something her brother had said, that P.T. and Charity looked round and realised Phillip was no longer standing beside them. “Shit.” P.T. hissed, running back down the stairs and in the direction of Phillip’s office. Empty. He ran back around to his own office, which was also empty. He did a quick circuit of the tent to check, just in case, but he already knew in his heart Phillip had gone.

He grabbed his phone off his desk as Charity watched him anxiously and tried to call his friend. He groaned in frustration as it went straight to voicemail.

“Go.” Charity ordered as her husband hesitated halfway through putting his coat on. “I can hold the fort here for a couple of hours. You can be back again before the show starts.”

P.T. shrugged his coat on and kissed her quickly on the way to the door. “Just try and keep Anne busy?”

“On it.” Charity called after him as he took off.

****

Phillip was out of breath by the time he’d reached his apparently having run the whole way back from the circus. He felt sick to his stomach and couldn’t work out if it was the sickness of the night before coming back or the realisation of what he’d done. He fumbled around on the top of the door frame, reaching for the spare key he kept up there and Anne always told him off about. Letting himself in he quickly bolted the door behind himself and put the chain on so no one would let themselves in.

He stood there for a minute, his back leant against the door catching his breath. That was when he saw it.

In the middle of his coffee table, a bottle of his favourite whiskey- back when he’d actually cared about what it tasted like rather than how quickly it would get him drunk- with a note propped up against it.

He knew who it was from, there was only one person in his life who would’ve done this to him. He didn’t even want to think about how he’d got into his apartment, but he found himself drawn towards it.

_For when you decide to become the Phillip Carlyle I know again._

His hands trembled as he read it. Who had he been kidding? People like him, they didn’t get to change and live happily ever after. He screwed the paper up and threw it across the room then picked up the bottle. He walked into the kitchen with every intention of pouring it down the sink. He needed to get rid of it because he knew full well if he was left alone in the apartment with it long enough he’d give into temptation.

Then as he unscrewed the cap his willpower just dissolved completely. Just one he told himself. Just one to help him sleep.

****

_  
“Phillip!” His father yelled, his angry voice echoing around the house. “Get in here now!”_

_He contemplated not going for a moment, but it was only going to wind his father up more and he was always a bit worried his Mom might find herself caught in the middle if he pushed it too far. So instead he wandered down the stairs and into his father's study._

_“What?” He sighed as he walked in. His father was sat behind his desk, staring intently at something on his computer screen. His face had flushed bright red as it so often did when he was either drunk or angry. Phillip was never entirely sure if the man was about to have a heart attack. Then again would it really be the worst thing?_

_“When were you going to tell me?” Mr Carlyle demanded angrily, slamming his hands down on the desk as he glared at his son. The glass of water beside him wobbled dangerously with the impact._

_Phillip knew exactly what he was talking about. He’d been waiting for this moment since he’d come back from college. There was only so long he could keep avoiding his fathers questions about when he was going to start work. He wasn’t quite ready for the fight that was inevitably about to happen though, so decided to play dumb._

_“Tell you what?” He asked. He walked over to the side table where his father's decanter of whiskey sat and poured himself a large glass which he downed in one. He refilled it under the disapproving glare of his father_

_“Phillip it’s not even lunchtime.” Mr Carlyle scolded._

_Phillip shrugged. He wasn’t sure he’d even sobered up fully from the night before yet so a couple more drinks wasn’t going to hurt. “You’re one to talk.”_

_“Don’t you dare speak to me like that.” His father snapped._

_Phillip sighed and flopped down on the sofa. “Is it not the truth?” He sipped at his drink again. He hadn’t eaten anything at it was going to his head, thankfully. The less he could remember about this whole ordeal the better._

_“How about you tell me the truth about you studying English at college.” His father glared at him. “Did you really think I wouldn’t find out.”_

_“No…” Phillip sighed. “But I figured it would be too late by the time you found out and it looks like I was right.” He smirked._

_His father got up and crossed the room angrily. “The trouble is with you Phillip, you’re a spoiled little brat. You had it made- a great job lined up for when you got out of college, everything you could ever need and what? You just had to do what you always do didn’t you- make some stupid rash decision and ruin it for everyone!”_

_“It wasn’t a stupid rash decision.” Phillip shot back. “I never wanted to do business. I told you so many times and you never listened to me. It’s my life and I thought maybe for once I’d do something that I actually wanted to!”_

_“I’m sorry, did you pay for yourself to go to college without me noticing?” His father was pacing up and down the room angrily. Phillip realised he’d finished another glass of whiskey but he didn’t dare get up to try and refill it for fear of coming to close to his father. “It wasn’t your decision to make!”_

_“It’s my life.” Phillip protested. He put his glass down on the coffee table and got up, getting ready to leave. He was done with this conversation, although he suspected his father would spend the rest of his life yelling at him about it. Something to look forward to he thought sarcastically._

_“Let me set something straight for you.” His father grabbed him by the collar and shoved him up against the wall beside the door. The pain of the punch that followed was somewhat numbed by the amount of alcohol he’d consumed and he was thankful for it. “You are my son and as long as you continue to live in my house and be a part of this family then it isn’t your decision to make. I will not have you embarrass me like this.”_

_“I’ll leave then.” Phillip struggled trying to get free of his fathers vice like grip unsuccessfully._

_His father roared with laughter. “You’re not going anywhere, you’d never do that to your mother. Besides- how do you think you’re going to afford to live? What are you going to do for a living now- write?” He released his grip and Phillip sagged forward trying to catch his breath. “Get out.” His father waved dismissively, walking over to pour himself a whiskey._

_Phillip ran up the stairs and locked himself in the safety of his bedroom, wondering what he was supposed to do next._

****

He woke with a start at the sound of someone shouting his name. The door to his apartment shook as someone pounded on it repeatedly. He picked up the now half empty bottle of whiskey and moved silently through to his bedroom, closing the door behind him to try and quiet the sound of P.T. Barnum pleading with him to open the door. He was going to have to move house so at least they wouldn’t know where to find him.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

_“You looked great out there tonight.” His voice was soft behind her but still made her jump. She’d thought she was alone. W.D. had plans with his new girlfriend so he’d left her to pack up alone after the show. She’d had to insist he go, he’d felt bad, but she hadn’t got any plans anyway._

_“Thanks.” She smiled, turning to face Phillip Carlyle as she continue to coil the ropes neatly. As much as it irritated her, and she would never admit it, he intrigued her. He had done since the first moment she’d seen him standing on that balcony watching her perform._

_“Honestly, it was amazing. I wish I could do something like that.” He grinned, picking up one of the ropes from the floor and beginning to coil it as she had been doing with the others._

_“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” She reaches to take it from him. “I’m sure you’ve got loads you should be doing.”_

_He shook his head. “I’m all done for the night actually.”_

_“Oh.” She didn’t know what to say to that. He was giving her one of those looks again, the kind that made her forget what she was saying._

_“What?” He laughed quietly, taking a step closer to her. “Do you want me to finish this up? I’m sure I can probably manage and you must have better things to do on a Saturday night.”_

_“No, it’s okay. Really.” She fiddled with the end of the rope she was holding nervously. “Anyway, I would’ve thought the great Phillip Carlyle would’ve been at some high end party at this time of night.” She’d meant it as a joke but it sounded flat._

_He looked at her curiously. “Who have you been talking to?”_

_She felt her cheeks flush. “I might’ve googled you when you first showed up.” She mumbled, looking down at her feet uncomfortably. Why had she told him that?_

_He laughed quietly, and much to her surprise when she looked up he was looking at her with amusement rather than annoyance. “Find anything interesting?”_

_“According to the internet you were quite a good playwright.” She started with uncertainty. “Made me wonder what you’re doing here?” It was finally out, the question that had been bothering her ever since he’d showed up. What did a man like Phillip Carlyle have to gain from the circus._

_He raised an eyebrow. “No one ever made a difference by being like everyone else.” He shrugged, bending down to pick up the last of the ropes. “I could ask you what you’re doing here.”_

_“You could.” She swallowed. “But it wouldn’t be anywhere near as interesting.”_

_“Oh really? Why’s that?” He asked curiously._

_She shrugged. “There’s not much to tell. It’s just W.D. and me… we found something we’re good at and we needed money and here we are.”_

_He was quiet for a minute. “Am I allowed to say I’m really glad you did?”_

_“Am I allowed to tell you I didn’t think you’d last five minutes around here?” She laughed._

_“Oh really?” He raises an eyebrow. “I’ll have you know that I actually like it here and I’ve got no intention of going anywhere any time soon.”_

_“I’m glad.” She smiled. “Did you… maybe want to go and get a drink? If you’re not doing anything.” She felt awkward asking, she wasn’t even really sure why she was asking. There was no way someone like him would ever even look twice at someone like her. But standing there with him, she wasn’t ready for the conversation to end._

_“I can’t.” He answered quickly, there was an edge to his voice that she hadn’t heard before._

_“Sorry, I didn’t mean… never mind. I’ll see you tomorrow Phillip.” Her cheeks flushed bright red again and she quickly scrambled around to grab her things before rushing off in the direction of the exit. Why ok earth had she done that?_

_“Anne! Wait!” He called, running after her. She stopped in the middle of the ring and turned to face him. The expression on his face was troubled, something she didn’t recognise- regret maybe. “I didn’t mean it like that, I-“_

_“It’s okay Phillip. You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I should never have suggested it.” She sighed._

_He shook his head. “I can’t go for a drink with you…I’m um… trying to cut back.” He mumbled. “But I’m going to get some takeout and work on some ideas for the show. You could join me if you wanted to? Please?”_

_“Okay.” She grinned. “Pizza?”_

_“Pizza it is.” He smiled._

****

“Anne? What’s wrong?” W.D. appeared beside her, his hand on her shoulders. She stared at him in confusion for a moment. She’d been so lost in her own thoughts she’d forgotten he was there.

“Nothing.” She whispered. She grabbed the last of their ropes and coiled them up. She just wanted to get out of there and go home. “I’m just tired.”

“Anne.” He sighed. “You’ve never been a good liar.”

Her bottom lip trembled as she looked at her brother. She didn’t realise she was crying until she tasted her tears on her lips. He grabbed her and pulled her into a bear hug as she sobbed against his chest.

“I don’t know what to do.” She choked. “What am I supposed to do?”

“I’m assuming we’re talking about Phillip here?” He asked cautiously. This was what he’d been worried about from the start- something would go wrong and his sister would be the one who got hurt.

She nodded, sucking in a couple of ragged breaths. “I don’t know what to do W.D…. I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I know you said you couldn’t tell me, but if it’s upsetting you this much…?” He sighed. She pulled away from him and wiped at her face roughly with the back of her hand.

“You can’t tell anyone.” She whispered.

“Promise.” He nodded.

And so she told him. Days of uncertainty and anxiety spilled out all at once. She watched as her brothers face twisted into a deep frown as she spoke and when she’d finished he just stood there and stared at her for a moment, processing.

“Shit.” He mumbled. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah, well. Neither did I.” She sighed. “I mean with hindsight I should’ve seen it coming I guess.”

W.D. nodded, his expression grim. “How did none of us notice?”

Anne shrugged. “If I ever figure it out I’ll let you know. What am I supposed to do?”

He took a deep breath and she could see him considering what he was about to say and trying to pick his words- which meant she wasn’t going to like what he was about to say. “What do you want to do here Anne? Because you’ve only known him five minutes and you don’t owe him anything.”

“What are you trying to say?” She frowned. “That I just forget he ever existed and leave him to drink himself to death?”

“No.” W.D. sighed. “I’m just saying that he’s an adult and at some point he has to take responsibility for what he’s done. You’re not responsible for saving him. You tried Anne, if he doesn’t want your help then what are you supposed to do?”

“And if it was me that’s what you’d do is it?” She asked.

He shook his head. “No, of course not. But you’re my sister Anne- it’s not the same thing.”

“It is the same thing!” She cried. “I love him W.D.! I’m not going to just standby and let him do this…. I’m just worried that I’m not strong enough to get him through this.”

“Okay.” He said quietly.

She looked at him in surprise. “Okay?”

“Okay.” He nodded. “I’ll come with you to find him. You can do this Anne, it’s going to be difficult but you’re right. You can’t just leave him.”

“Thank you.” She whispered, pulling him into another hug.

The sound of someone clearing their throat at the side of the ring caught her attention and they both turned to see who it was.

“Can I help you?” W.D. asked, stepping towards the older man who was stood watching them both from the shadows.

“I’m looking for my son, Phillip.” The man said. “Where is he?”

Anne stared at Mr Carlyle as he stepped forward into the lights. “He’s not here.” She snapped.

“Well he’s not at his apartment either and I haven’t got time to search every bar in New York to work out which one he’s in.” Mr Carlyle snapped. “Can you give him a message?”

She glared at him but he carried on regardless.

“His mother is in the hospital. He should be there, she keeps asking for him. I’ve been trying to call but he won’t answer his phone.” Mr Carlyle said, and for a moment she thought she saw some emotion cross his face before he went back to glaring at her.

“I think you’d better leave.” W.D. said, his voice icy when Mr Carlyle made no attempt to leave. He didn’t argue, disappearing as quickly as he’d arrived.

“We need to find Phillip.” Anne sighed.

 


	14. Chapter 14

“Anne, this is ridiculous.” W.D. sighed in defeat. “There’s hundreds of bars he could be in. You can’t look in every single one!”

 

She came to a reluctant stop and turned to face her brother. As much as she hated it, he was right as always. They seemed to have walked halfway round the city and been in more bars than she’d ever been to in her life. She pulled out her phone to try and call him again but it just went straight to voicemail. “Okay.” She agreed. “I guess there’s not much more we can do.” 

 

W.D. squeezed her shoulder. “I’m sorry Anne.”

 

She forced something that resembled a smile in return. “I’m going to head home.”

 

He nodded. “Let me know you got there okay?”

 

“I will.” She agreed and then set off in the direction of her apartment. It was bitterly cold outside and she was fairly certain she’d lost all the feeling in her feet around about half an hour into their search. She’d be glad to get home and get warm but it seemed so wrong to be doing that without knowing where Phillip was. 

 

She’d just made it home, sent a quick text to her brother and started running a bath when the phone rang. It frightened the life out of her- it was the middle of the night and it wasn’t a number she recognised. 

 

“Hello?” She answered warily. 

 

“Hi am I speaking to Anne Wheeler?” A woman asked. 

 

“Yes?”

 

“Hi Anne. I’m calling from the ER at New York Presbyterian. We’ve got Phillip Carlyle here- you’re listed as his emergency contact?” The woman explained. 

 

Her heart sank. “Is he okay?” She asked, not sure she wanted the answer. 

 

“It’s nothing serious, don’t worry.” The woman said quickly. “Would you be able to come down here?”

 

She reached over to turn the tap off. “Yeah okay. I’m on my way.”

 

“Great. We’ll see you soon.”

* * *

 

She ran most of the way there, the anxiety gripping her stomach like a vice, and just as she reached the entrance to the hospital she spotted a familiar figure just ahead of her. She paused, trying to put some distance between herself and Mr Carlyle in case he spotted her, but he didn’t look up as he hurried into the hospital and in the opposite direction to her. 

 

“I’m here for Phillip Carlyle.” She said breathlessly as she skidded to a stop at the reception desk. The receptionist quickly gave her directions and she set off to find him. 

 

“Anne?” He blinked at her looking confused as she pulled back the curtain. “What are you doing here?” 

 

The nurse beside him put down the gauze she’d been using to clean the cut above his eye and looked back and forth between them. “I’ll give you guys a minute.” She said. She stuck a dressing over his cut and quickly excused herself. 

 

“I’m your emergency contact apparently.” She raised an eyebrow at him. 

 

“Oh.” He mumbled. “Sorry, I didn’t think. I would’ve told them not to call.”

 

“I can go, if you don’t want me here.” She shifted awkwardly. 

 

“Stay.” The word shot out of his mouth automatically. “Please.” He added quietly. 

 

She nodded, peeling her coat off and perching on the end of his bed. “What happened?” She asked, casting her eyes over him properly. His nose was swollen and bloody, his lip split and the cut above his eye was still bleeding. The front of his shirt was splattered with blood and the bruises on his face seemed to be getting darker by the minute. 

 

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I think I might’ve got in a fight at the bar.”

 

“Oh.” She mumbled, not really sure what to say. 

 

“I’m sorry?” He whispered. It came out sounding more like a question. 

 

“For what?” She sighed. “For the fact I’ve spent all night running round the city looking for you? For running off without a word? For breaking just about every promise you’ve ever made me? All I’ve ever done is try and be here for you Phillip and you just push me away again and again!” Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him. 

 

“This is exactly why.” He muttered. 

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She demanded. The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks as she waited for some kind of explanation from him. She’d tried to hard to be there for him and not get angry but her patience was starting to wear thin, as guilty as she felt. 

 

He took a deep breath, trying to get his thoughts straight in his head. It didn’t help that he was nowhere near sober yet and thinking clearly was a problem- then again maybe it might give him enough courage to actually speak to her. He reached out to take her hand but she snatched it back away from him. It hurt like a slap in the face. 

 

“I was standing there watching you with W.D. and you just looked so… happy.” He explained quietly. “And then I just started thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve seen you look like that… and I realised it’s because of me. I’m no good for anyone Anne, especially not you.”

 

She stared at him for a long time, processing what he’d said. “You’re an idiot.” She blurted out. 

 

It took him by such surprise that he laughed quietly. “I can’t argue with that but you’re going to have to explain to me why?”

 

“Did you really think disappearing with no explanation was going to make me feel any better?” She asked. 

 

He shrugged, looking down at his hands. “I didn’t know what else to do.”

 

She wiped her tears on the back of her sleeve. “The trouble is Phillip you only ever think about you.”

 

“I-“

 

She shook her head and stopped him. “I don’t mean it in the way you think. I just.. I don’t know, I suppose it’s probably just that it’s always just been you and you’ve not had to worry about anyone else and how they feel about things.”

 

“I’m not sure I understand?” He frowned. 

 

“You just decided I was unhappy and took off! Did it ever even cross your mind that if you’d actually asked me I might’ve told you what I was feeling?” She wasn’t sure if he was being deliberately stupid and missing the point of what she was telling him on purpose.

 

“No.” He mumbled.

 

She rubbed her eyes, the lack of sleep starting to catch up with her. “Look, if you don’t want this anymore then I’ll understand… It’s your decision to make at the end of the day. Just have the balls to actually talk to me rather than run away and hide. Do you not think I at least deserve that?”

 

He stared at her silently for a long moment and she started to get up to leave. He caught her wrist. “I.. I um.. I didn’t want you to end up like my Mom.” He whispered. He looked down at the floor, unable to bring himself to look at her as he spoke. “I didn’t want you to get trapped watching me drink myself stupid and end up hating me.”

 

She raised an eyebrow at him. “I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m aware this isn’t exactly the ideal way to start a relationship.” She was acutely aware that somewhere they seemed to have bypassed all the fun and easy stuff and gone straight for this. “But, I’d like to think you know me well enough by now to know I’m not just going to walk away and leave you to drink yourself stupid.”

 

“I really am sorry.” He whispered.

 

“I know.” She reached out and squeezed his hand. “But I’m not going to keep doing this forever Phillip. I’m not going to spend every night wondering which bar you’re at this time and how long it is before the hospital calls again. Promise me you’ll talk to me?”

 

“Promise.” He whispered in agreement.

 

The nurse stuck her head back around the curtain and smiled at them both. “Okay, you’re good to go. The x-ray’s came back fine so nothing broken and that doesn’t need stitches so you’re all good. Just don’t do it again!”

 

“Thank you.” Phillip said gratefully. He slid down off the bed and held his hand out to Anne. “Is it okay if I come back with you?” He asked hopefully.

 

She nodded, chewing on her bottom lip as she tried to work out how to tell him. “Your father was at the circus looking for you earlier.”

 

“I’m sorry, are you okay?” Phillip asked quickly. He shrugged into his coat, trying to ignore the way his shoulder ached. He suspected it was going to be a whole lot more painful in the morning.

 

Anne hesitated. “He was just looking for you to tell you your Mom is in hospital. She’s been asking for you apparently.” She watched him uncertainly, trying to gauge his reaction from his expression. “I um.. I saw him on the way here so I think she’s probably here. We could go up there if you wanted to?”

 

His whole body had gone rigid and she wasn’t sure he was breathing for a moment as she watched him, waiting for some kind of response. “Will you come with me?” He asked eventually, his voice was small and childlike. She realised that he actually looked terrified and it broke her heart.

 

“Of course.” She held her hand out to him and he took it, gripping onto her tightly as he had done when they’d walked to the circus that morning. “Come on. I’m right here.”


	15. Chapter 15

“Phillip? Is that you?” His Mom blinked at him sleepily in the dim light of the room as he hesitantly pushed the door open.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.” He looked exhausted and he immediately felt guilty. 

She shook her head. “I was awake anyway, never get any sleep in these places. Come in.” She struggled to sit herself up a little, break in into a coughing fit. 

He heard Anne’s breath catch in her throat as she followed him into the room. He’d still got hold of her hand so she didn’t have much choice. “I can wait outside?” She suggested quietly, looking back and forth between Phillip and his Mom. 

“No you won’t.” Mrs Carlyle answered quickly. “I’ve been wanting to meet you.”

Anne laughed nervously. “Okay then.”

“Is Dad here?” Phillip asked, looking around nervously as he and Anne sat down on the chairs beside the bed. 

“No, he’ll be at home asleep. It’s the middle of the night.” Mrs Carlyle answered. “He came by earlier but he needs to rest too.”

“Right.” Phillip mumbled. He was acutely aware of the fact his Mom looked much, much worse than he had done when he’d seen her at home. He wasn’t sure if it was seeing her in hospital hooked up to all manner of machines and equipment or that she was going downhill rapidly. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew it was probably the latter. 

“What happened to your face?” His Mom asked, raising an eyebrow at him. 

Phillip felt his cheeks flush. “Oh, nothing.” He mumbled. He’d forgotten all about it for a moment. 

“Phillip.” She scolded. “I thought you’d grown out of all that a long time ago? This is why you shouldn’t keep going out drinking!”

He saw Anne’s eyes widen a little. He really didn’t want to get into the details of what had happened with either of them right now. “It’s fine Mom, please?” 

She looked back and forth between her son and Anne, whose hand he was still gripping tightly, and nodded slightly. “So, you must be the lovely Anne!” She beamed. 

“It’s lovely to meet you properly.” Anne smiled politely. This whole situation was beyond weird, she wondered if Phillip had realised that. 

“I was very impressed when I came and saw the show. You were wonderful, you both were.” Mrs Carlyle returned her smile. 

“Thank you.” Anne smiled. She glanced over at Phillip, expecting him to say something but he was just sitting there staring at his Mom like he couldn’t hear a word they were saying. 

“So… how did you two meet?” Mrs Carlyle asked, looking at Anne. 

Anne laughed quietly. “I was hanging upside down off the trapeze and I swung up to the balcony and he was just standing there staring at me. Then I came down after the show and P.T. introduced Phillip as his latest hire. I asked him what his act was and he said he didn’t have one. I’ll be honest I didn’t think he’d last five minutes at the time.”

Mrs Carlyle laughed, then struggled to catch her breath for a moment. Phillip stayed motionless in his chair, his expression unreadable. Anne squeezed his hand but he didn’t react. 

“I don’t know what we’d do without him now, me especially.” Anne continued. 

“I’m going to go and get some water.” Phillip suddenly announced, standing up abruptly and pulling his hand away from Anne. He was out of the room before either of them had a chance to say anything. Anne hesitated on the edge of her seat, unsure of whether to follow him. 

“Just give him a minute dear, he’ll come back.” Mrs Carlyle said softly. “How is he doing?”

“Um-“ Anne struggled for something to say. It seemed wrong to lie to her but she also had more than enough going on without having to worry about her son again. 

“So he’s drinking again.” Mrs Carlyle sighed. 

Anne shrugged apologetically. She didn’t want to lie to the woman. “He’s trying.”

“It’s my fault really.” Mrs Carlyle sighed. “I should’ve left his father a long time ago, every time he apologised I believed him. I didn’t realise what it was doing to Phillip until it was far too late.”

“He um… he doesn’t really talk about it.” Anne offered tentatively. “I honestly just assumed you weren’t around any more until you turned up at the circus that day.”

Mrs Carlyle smiled kindly. “I can see how you’d made that assumption. I would say he’ll tell you some day when he’s ready, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. All you need to know Anne is he went through some things that no child should ever have to experience and I wasn’t there to protect him like I should’ve been. I’ve regretted it every day since and it makes it even worse knowing what it’s done to my son.”

“He doesn’t blame you.” Anne said softly. She wasn’t sure if she was overstepping the mark but seeing Mrs Carlyle so upset she didn’t know what else to do. 

“You’ll be good for him.” Mrs Carlyle gave her a tearful smile. “You understand him in a way that his father and I never really did.”

Anne shrugged, her cheeks flushing. “I love him.” She whispered. 

“I know. I can see it in the way you looked at each other. Give him some time, he’s not ever been very good with his emotions. Gets that from his father unfortunately.”

“I don’t know what to do.” Anne admitted. “I’m running out of ideas and I just can’t get him to talk to me.”

Mrs Carlyle paused for a moment. “Just give him some time dear. He’s scared. He’s not really used to having someone there for him, I really should’ve been but I wasn’t and it’s something I’ll always regret.”

Anne sat silently, she didn’t know what to say. It was only when Mrs Carlyle struggled to stifle another yawn and keep her eyes open Anne realised quite how late it was. “I’ll go and find Phillip quickly and then I think we’d better let you get some sleep.”

“Thank you dear.” Mrs Carlyle mumbled in response, already half asleep.

He hadn’t gone far. She spotted him as soon as she walked out of the room, leaning against a wall at the end of the hallway. He looked exhausted and she wasn’t surprised. A lot had happened in the space of a few days, and she couldn’t shake the feeling things were far from over.

“Hey.” She said softly, leaning against the wall beside him.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. “Sorry, I was coming back…. I just..”

“It’s okay.” His hand slipped into hers and she let her head rest against his shoulder. “She’s tired, we should probably get going soon.”

Phillip nodded. “I don’t know what to say to her.”

“She’s just happy that you’re here Phillip, and to see you happy.”

“I just keep think I should’ve gone back and-”

Anne shook her head and cut him off. “You can’t start with the whole what if thing because you’ll drive yourself insane.”

“She likes you.” He said softly, standing up straight and looking towards his mother’s room.  
“She’s an amazing lady.” Anne smiled. “Go and say goodbye, we can come back tomorrow if you like?”

He hesitated for a moment then, with a quick squeeze of her hand, walked off down the hallway in front of her.

His Mom’s eyes flickered open as he entered the room and she blinked at him sleepily. “Hey, you came back.” She smiled. 

“I did.” He took her hand as he stood next to the bed. “I just came to say we’re going to head home now but I can come back tomorrow if you like?”

His Mom nodded. “I’d really like that Phillip, I’ve really missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too.” He could feel his eyes filling with tears and he blinked rapidly trying to get rid of them. 

“You take care of Anne, she’s one of the good ones. I like her.”

“Too good for me.” He muttered darkly, not even realising he’d said it out loud. 

“Phillip.” She scolded. “Don’t talk like that. You deserve to be happy, she makes you happy. Don’t throw it all away.”

“You should get some rest. I’ll see you in the morning.” He leant down and kissed her forehead. She was asleep again before he’d left the room. 

Anne was waiting outside the door. “Okay?” She asked as he came out of the door. 

He nodded, holding his hand out. She took it straight away and there was something comforting about the feel of her hand in his, knowing that she was still there with him- for now at least. 

“Let’s go home.”


	16. Chapter 16

He was restless that night, tossing and turning constantly as he laid beside her. Anne didn’t sleep a wink. Every time she’d just about drifted off he’d wake up, gasping for breath, from another nightmare. Instead she had turned on her bedside lamp and laid there watching him, her eyelids getting progressively heavier as she battled to stay awake. She watched as the frown on his forehead deepened in his sleep, his mouth moving occasionally as though he was going to speak. The bruises on his face had spread and darkened during the course of the night. She found herself wondering what had happened again. 

“No.” He mumbled, his arms thrashing around amongst the sheets. “Please.”

“Phillip.” She shook him gently, her hand on his shoulder. 

His eyes flew open almost immediately and he stared at her for a long minute, his eyes filling with tears. 

“It’s okay. You’re safe.” She whispered softly, pulling him towards her. As his head came to rest on her chest her arms wrapped around him tightly. She could feel his body shaking with each silent sob. “It’s okay.” She repeated. 

“She’s dying Anne.” His voice was a hoarse whisper, muffled against her skin. “She’s dying and I can’t do anything about it.”

She stroked his hair gently, not knowing what to say. “You just have to try and be there for her Phillip, while you still can. It’s all you can do right now.”

He sucked in a shaky breath. “I… when I walked out and my father told me not to come back, I knew how much it would upset her. I just thought… I thought that one day he’d forgive me and I’d be able to see her again… It never occurred to me that I might run out of time before that happened.”

“No one could’ve known this was going to happen.” She said slowly, her fingers tracing patterns on the bare skin of his back as she spoke, still trying to think what to say. “It sounds like your father didn’t give you much choice, you had to get out of there to save yourself. Your Mom understands that, she doesn’t blame you.”

She felt Phillip’s entire body stiffen at the mention of his father. “You two talked a lot while I was gone then?” His heart was pounding in his chest, the blood rushing to his ears and he wondered briefly if she could hear it. There was still a lot about him Anne didn’t know, he wondered what his Mom might’ve told her. 

“She didn’t tell me anything.” Anne answered his unasked question. “I didn’t ask her to. I’ve told you before Phillip, if you ever decide you want to talk to me you know I’ll listen, but if we spend the rest of our lives together and you never tell me I’ll be okay with that too. There are somethings that are just too painful to keep dragging up.” He didn’t miss the quiet sadness in her voice as she spoke. 

“Thank you.” He mumbled. She kissed the top of his head in response. “So, the rest of our lives hey?” He looked up at her, smiling. He needs to change the subject and she’d given him the perfect excuse. He wasn’t sure he’d ever really be ready to tell her the full story of what had happened with his father, and he certainly wasn’t going to that night. 

Anne felt her cheeks flood with colour. “Well…”

“You can’t backtrack on me now.” He laughed, kissing her. He was joking, but she could hear the edge to his voice that meant he was entirely joking. 

“I’m still here aren’t I?” She whispered, her hands cupping his face. 

“For now.” He said quietly, his stomach twisting as he looked at her. This was the problem with letting himself feel something, the overwhelming fear that came with it when he thought about losing her. 

She didn’t speak, just shifting her body so she could reach to press her lips softly against his. She could taste the salt of his tears on his lips. It started off as gentle but quickly became bruising and frantic. She kissed him back as he rolled them over to hover over her, his hands roaming over her body. She was vaguely aware that this was his way of showing her everything that he didn’t know how to say to her, and for the moment at least she couldn’t say she minded at all.


	17. Chapter 17

“Morning.” She mumbled sleepily. She’d woken up to find him sitting up in bed watching her, one arm wrapped around her. It was still dark outside, the sunlight just beginning to filter between the buildings. Given how late they’d been actually going to be she was certain she could only have been asleep for a couple of hours at the most, she wondered if Phillip had actually asleep.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” He asked, pulling her a fraction closer to him.

She shook her head. “Did you sleep at all?” She looked up at him, her chin rested on his chest. Even in the dim lighting of the bedroom she could see his face looked a whole lot worse than when they’d gone to bread. The bruising under his eye had gone almost black and was much more swollen.

“No.” He admitted quietly. “Not really.” He stared straight ahead at the sunlight beginning to filter in through the window so she wouldn’t see the tears welling in his eyes.

“Phillip.” She whispered, her hand going to his cheek so she could turn him to look at her. “Talk to me.”

His bottom lip quivered as he looked at her, blinking back the tears and were welling in his eyes and threatening to spill down his cheeks. “I want a drink.” He whispered, bracing himself for her to pull away from him. That was the truth, he’d been sitting there thinking about his Mom, and then somewhere along the line his mind had wandered and he’d found himself thinking about four or five glasses of whiskey was sure to quieten his mind enough to allow him a couple of hours sleep, and maybe even numb the throbbing pain in the side of his face.

“I know.” She said quietly, her fingers brushing gently through his hair. “I know.”

He pulled back a fraction to look at her, she watched him warily as though she was afraid he might run any second. He wished he could tell her she didn’t need to worry. “The thing is Anne, I’m not sure if you really do.” He sighed.

“So, tell me.” She suggested.

He looked at her as though she’d just suggested something completely insane. His stomach twisted into knots at the mere thought of trying to explain how close he’d been to walking out to find a bar last night. 

“I’m not going to run away if you tell me the truth Phillip. I’m not going to get angry with you or try and blame you for anything. I just care about you and I want to help you.”

“Promise?” He whispered. 

“Promise.” She nodded.

“I almost walked out of here to go to a bar so many times last night.” He admitted. “I just wanted to get so drunk that I didn’t have to think about all this. I still do.” He could almost taste the whiskey on his lips as he said it, feel the comforting burn in his throat as he drank it.

“But you didn’t.” She reminded him.

“This time.” He muttered. She could hear the disgust in his voice as he spoke.

“What made you stay?” She asked, curious more than anything. The Phillip Carlyle of the last few days would’ve been at the bar without a second thought- the need to drink overriding everything else. It had briefly crossed her mind as she’d been falling asleep whether he would still be there when she woke up.

“I don’t know.” He shrugged. He thought back to the few hours earlier, the way Anne had grabbed him in her sleep and pulled herself closer to him as he’d gone to get out of bed. She’d pulled him back towards her, somehow knowing even in her sleep that he needed her. “You.”

“You should’ve woken me up.” She told him. “I wouldn’t have minded.”

“I know.” He kissed the top of her head. “But I would’ve done. I don’t want your whole life to end up being about trying to keep me sober.”

“You can do this.” She kissed him softly. “I know you don’t believe me, but you really can. We can get through all of this.”

“Will you…. Will you come back to the hospital with me today?” He asked. “I know you’ve probably got to practice with W.D. and things and I can’t just expect you to drop everything.. I just.. I’d feel a lot better if you were there with me.”

She nodded quickly. “W.D. can wait. It won’t kill him to have a couple of days off. P.T. told us both to take all the time we needed so I’m sure he won’t mind. I really like your Mom, she’s a lovely lady.” She’d been a bit taken aback by quite how much she liked Phillip’s mother. She’d assumed that given the piece of work his father was his mother would have to be equally as awful. 

“She is.” Phillip smiled fondly.

“I’ll call P.T. and let him know. I need to take a shower and then we can get going?” Anne suggested, stretching. She was exhausted, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d survived a week on such little sleep. Still, although neither of them had actually said it out loud, they were both very aware of the fact that the time Phillip had left with his mother was limited and they weren’t about to waste it.

“Go and shower.” Phillip said, releasing her from his arms. “I’ll call P.T.”

Anne looked at him in surprise. “Are you sure?”

Phillip nodded. “I owe him that.”

“Okay.” She kissed him once more before disappearing into the bathroom.

Phillip pulled up P.T.’s number, his fingers trembling slightly as they hovered over the call button. P.T. had been nothing but understanding and good to him, but surely there has to be a point where even Barnum was going to run out of patience with him? He didn’t like to think about it. He couldn’t lose the circus too.

“Phillip? Are you okay?” Barnum answered the phone on the third ring and Phillip could hear the confusion in his voice.

“Hi Phin, I’m fine. I’m at Anne’s.” Phillip told him. He heard the sigh of relief on the other end of the phone.

“Good. I’m glad. You worried me when you disappeared like that. I spent ages looking for you.”

“I really am sorry.” Phillip said, and he meant it too.

“Don’t worry about it, as long as you’re okay.” Barnum smiled down the phone. “What can I do for you anyway? I’m assuming you didn’t phone just to say hello?”

“No.” Phillip admitted. “But I did want to apologise.”

“It’s okay, really Phillip. You don’t need to keep saying sorry. What’s up?”

“My Mom is in the hospital. I’d really like to go back and spend some more time with her today. I know I’ve let you down lately and I haven’t really been there but I could just really do with a few more days. I’m really sorry, I just…”

“Phillip.” P.T. cut in. “Take all the time you need, Anne too. The circus will be fine and will still be here whenever you’re ready to come back. Go and be with your family, nothing is more important than that. And Anne too, obviously.”

“Thank you.” Phillip breathed. “Really, you’ve been amazing and-”

“Don’t worry about it, really.” P.T. cut him off again. “Go and spend some time with you Mom. Charity is cooking dinner later. Why don’t you and Anne come by after you’ve been to the hospital and maybe we can talk properly then?”

“I’d like that. Thank you.” Phillip nodded.

“I’ll see you later then.” P.T. agreed. “Take care of yourself Phillip.”


	18. Chapter 18

He’d been relatively cheerful on the way to the hospital. His phone call with P.T. and the knowledge that he still had a job had done something to lift his spirits, if only by a little, but he could feel the heavy weight settling over him again as they approached the hospital. It was the fear of the unknown, he decided. There was no way to know what he was going to find when he got there- he was bound to run into his father at some point, surely? How would his mother be today? How many more days did he actually have left with her? The list was endless. 

 

“I’m right here.” Anne murmured in his ear, giving his hand a squeeze. 

 

They paused by the doors to the hospital ward and he kissed the top of her head softly. “I know. Thank you.”

 

He still made no attempt to move. She laced her fingers with his and took a step forwards. “Come on.” She encouraged, pulling him along behind her. 

 

As they rounded the corner to his Mom’s room Phillip stopped dead, Anne turned to look at him for a second, then realised why he’d stopped. Standing outside the door of his Mom’s room was his Dad, glaring at them both. 

 

She took a step back to stand beside Phillip again. “Do you want to go?” She whispered, looking at him uncertainly. His whole body had gone rigid, his hand gripping hers with such force it was painful. She could see from his face though it was fear rather than anger towards his father and the realisation left an unpleasant feeling in her stomach. 

 

“No.” Phillip choked out through gritted teeth, taking a hesitant step forward. “I promised Mom I’d be here.” 

 

“Okay.” She nodded. “I’m right here with you.”

 

They took another slow step forward. Phillip tried to remind himself to breathe and focus on putting one foot in front of the other to keep himself moving. Every inch of him wanted to turn and run, preferably to the nearest bar. Anne’s firm grip on his hand was the only thing keeping him present in that moment and he was so thankful to have her there beside him. 

 

His father straightened up from his position leaning against the wall as they got closer. He looked them both up and down with disapproval as they stood in front of him. “And what exactly do you think you’re doing here?” He sneered at Phillip. 

 

“I’m here to see Mom.” Phillip mumbled. How was it even now his father could make him feel a small child? 

 

His father rolled his eyes. “She said you’d been. I assumed she was just hallucinating again. There’s no way you’d actually be brave enough to turn up here.”

 

“She wants me here.” Phillip gritted his teeth. Anne squeezed his hand reassuringly, not knowing what else she could do. 

 

“Your mother doesn’t know what she wants.” Me Carlyle shook his head. “But I know for a fact the last thing she needs is you turning up drunk and looking like you’ve been in another brawl in a bar. Do you really think she needs to be worried about you right now Phillip?”

 

“I’m not drunk.” Phillip answered quietly. There wasn’t much he could say about the state of his face, not least because he still hadn’t got a bloody clue what had happened. 

 

“Yeah, good one.” His father snorted. “You’re not going in there.”

 

“Yes, I am.” Phillip took a step forward and Anne hung back uncertain for a moment whether Phillip was about to hit him. There was a horrible moment where the two of them seemed to square up to each other and Anne wondered if she was going to have to try and break up a fight. 

 

“Stop it.” She hissed. “Both of you.”

 

They both turned and looked at her. “And who do you think you are talking to me like that?” Mr Carlyle laughed.

 

“Look.” Anne straightened up trying to convince herself he wasn’t quite as intimidating as he looked. “I’m not going to stand here and let you deprive Phillip of what little time he has got left with this mother. Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage already?”

 

“How dare you?” His face was thunderous as he looked back and forth between Phillip and Anne. “You know nothing about any of this, you don’t even know Phillip. You wouldn’t be stood there with him if you did.”

 

Phillip shifted uncomfortably beside her but seemed to have lost the ability to speak. “I know that somehow, even after everything you’ve put him through, your son is one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met.”

 

“He’s an alcoholic.” Mr Carlyle spat. 

 

Anne felt Phillip’s grip on her hand tighten. She stole a glance at him out of the corner of her eye and she could see him biting down on his lip. She turned her attention back to Mr Carlyle. 

 

“Unlike you Phillip can admit he has a problem and is actually trying to do something about it.” She hissed. “Now, we’re going to go in there so Phillip can see his mother.”

 

She pushed past him so abruptly he had no real option but to take a step back out of the way. She pulled Phillip, who still hadn’t said a word, behind her and pushed him through the door into the room. 

 

Mr Carlyle made as though he was going to follow them but she put an arm out to block his path, shaking her head. “You can stay there for half an hour. It’s the least you can do really- don’t you think?” She shut the door in his face before he had a chance to argue. She could see from the look on his face he was angry and she was almost certainly going to pay for this at some point. Seeing Phillip perched on the edge of the bed hugging his Mom made it worth it. They could deal with the rest of it later.

 

******

Phillip was quiet as he sat beside his mom, Anne found herself trying to make conversation to fill the uncomfortable silence. It was stupid really, she found it difficult to belive Mrs Carlyle was going to have any real interest in what was going on with the show given the circumstances but she couldn’t just sit there in silence either. 

 

Phillip had barely said two words the entire time they’d been there. His hand was linked with his mother’s, resting on the side of the bed. He just sat there staring at it, motionless. Every now and then she’d see him suck in a shaky breath. She wondered for a moment if the full force of what was happening had finally hit him. 

 

There was a tap at the door that caused all three of them to look up. A wave of anger went through Anne as she realised it was Phillip’s father standing at the window, pointing to his watch to signal their half hour was up. 

 

Phillip was up out of his chair before she had time to react. She didn’t think she’d ever seen him look so angry and for a moment it terrified her. 

 

“Phillip.” His mom's voice brought him back into the room. He looked back down at her, unsure of what to do. “Don’t give him the satisfaction. Just go, it’s been lovely to see you but you’ve got better things to be doing than sitting here with me all day.”

 

Phillip glanced at the window again and then back at his Mom. “I don’t want to leave you here with him.”

 

“It’s okay.” She smiled, her voice quiet. Anne was struggling to hear what she was saying. “I’m tired, I need to sleep.”

 

When Phillip still didn’t move Anne stood up and put a hand on his shoulder. “Come on Phillip.” She said softly. “Your Mom needs to rest.”

 

“I’ll see you again tomorrow?” He whispered, leaning down to give his Mom a hug. 

 

She was quiet for a moment, her arms wrapped around him. “You’re better than him Phillip, just remember that.” She whispered in his ear. “I love you.”

 

“Love you Mom.” He blinked away the tears that were forming as he pulled back. 

 

“Come on.” Anne took his hand and gently pulled him towards the door. 

 

Mr Carlyle was waiting for them the second they stepped out of the door. Her heart sank as he marched over to Phillip and grabbed him by the neck. “You’re not welcome here Phillip.” He snarled, hauling him off to the side so he was out of view of his mother. “I thought I was clear last time but you’re here so obviously not.”

 

Phillip struggled to pull himself free from his father’s vice like grip. Why was it he suddenly felt like a small child again? His father had always had a knack of doing that to him. “Let go of me.” He couldn’t catch his breath and suddenly felt like he was suffocating as he looked at his father helplessly. 

 

Mr Carlyle laughed. “Let go of me.” He mimicked. 

 

Phillip struggled again to free himself, Anne looked around helplessly hoping someone would come over and help. She took another step towards Mr Carlyle wondering if she’d be able to physically pull the two of them apart. 

 

“Thing is Phillip, you think you’ve changed but you’re still a useless waste of space.” Mr Carlyle spat. “It’s only a matter of time before they all realise that and you come running back. Thing is you’re not welcome anymore.”

 

There was an awful moment where she thought Phillip was going to hit him. Then he wrenched himself free of his father and ran down the corridor without a second glance. Anne stood and watched in shock as he disappeared around the corner. 

 


End file.
